Chemistry?

This week, I have had 2 professors ask me if I'm sure that Chemistry is really the right field for me. Not only that, they were both Chemistry professors. Am I missing something here? My entire college career, I've been going on the assumption that I will be a Chemistry major. I transferred schools to be a Chemistry major. Everything I have done since I have been in college has been under the assumption that I will be a Chemistry major. Now, the second semester of my senior year of college, when I'm supposed to be graduating, I am asked this question. The really bad thing is, I'm not sure.

To be honest, chemistry in not where my heart is. My heart is in mathematics. I chose chemistry because I thought it was a good place for me to apply my math skills without having to take up a job as an accountant or something like that. Theoretically, I'm only a few weeks away from graduating. However, I have thoroughly screwed myself to the point to where I may not be able to graduate with the Chemistry degree if I wanted to! I already have the math degree, I'm not really worried about that. I don't know what I want anymore.

I was talking with one of my profs and she threw out the suggestion that perhaps I want to think about it. Perhaps I do just want to drop Chemistry and go with math. I don't have to do it if I don't want to. I feel like if I do that though, I'm giving up. I feel like I threw a lot of money down the drain just to give up right before the finish line. On the other hand, I look at my classes and realize that I could start working full time and actually having more time.

Theoretically, if I were to drop chemistry and drop all the courses I didn't need, I would have a total of 1 night class this semester. That would be all I had to go to. True, I would no longer be full time and I would have to worry about scholarships and all that shit, but if I started working full time, I'd have enough to cover the difference in a month or 2. It's not like I ever really got around to filling out scholarship stuff anyways. It's all in loans, and I don't have to be in school to maintain those.

Bottom line here, I don't know what's going on right now. I might end up dropping something that I have put years into, just because I screwed myself if the end. Whatever happens, life will go on. Anyways, I hope everyone else is having a good life. I'm getting out of here. God bless.

--Simon Peter

Crazy

Going crazy (if I'm not already there). Bout of mild depression. Stress, self-loathing. I don't know. I hate life right now. I hate me right now. Hoping I get hit on the way to school tomorrow. I don't really want to die, just go comatose for a few months, wake up and have to go through a rehab before I can really do anything. Lose contact with everyone so I don't have to worry about them anymore. Go back to not knowing anyone and having my nose in a book every free minute. Get a job that doesn't involve thinking for 50 hours/week. Making enough to live on but not enough that I can take vacations. Vacations give me time not to be in mindless, monotonous routine and bring about questions that I would rather not answer. Maybe take up drugs so that my mind doesn't work properly. Anything has got to be better than the shit that I feel that I have no reason to feel right now. At least if I had a shitty life, I'd have reason to complain.

(FYI, I did not proofread this at all. It is all how it came out of my head and I'm leaving it that way. This is seriously have I'm feeling right now and I don't want to tone it down just because I'm scared that I'll make people worry about me. It's not like I have to worry about that anyways. Nobody reads this fucking thing (ok, there might be one, MAYBE 2 people other than myself))

Myers Briggs

Took the Myers Briggs again today. Came out an ISFJ. Did a bit of looking to try to get a good description and the very first site I found seemed to describe me VERY well. Those of you who know me, let me know what you think.

"

ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.)

ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses.

In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers.

While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics :-). Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones--although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want.

Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem."

http://www.typelogic.com/isfj.html

Brother Status

I have now reached brother status, the gay friend who happens to not be gay, the guy that can never have a chance romantically, but who still listens to all problems and gives advice and what not.

I seem to have this bad habit of being to good a friend to ever be anything more. I am not blaming this completely on the female sex. I know a lot of this is my fault as well. I didn't make any move...because I thought that it was to early. I still think that it is to early, but now any possible chance I had of anything romantic in the future is gone.

OK, that brings me to another thing. People need to learn to accept being single. Seriously, I know it's not easy, but when you NEED a significant other to fulfill yourself, that is not health. That is my opinion. If you feel that need, what you need is not a significant other, what you need is a good support group of friends. Is that easy to come by? No, it is not. At the same time, that group of friends will save you a lot of heartache and will help you get through the heartache you do experience. I hate to say this, but ofter friendships are stronger than romantic relationships. While you're in the relationship, you often ignore your friends. However, as soon as that ends, your friends are willing to except you back with open arms, sympathizing with you, offering comfort, even rejoicing with you when you find a NEW significant other, all with the full knowledge that they will be pushed to the side again...if you can't tell, I've been in this position before. That paragraph didn't really go where I was intending it to. I sorta got sidetracked with a rant. Anyways, my point is that friendships will outlast 90% of your romantic relationship and will give you the strength to handle being single. I do not think that jumping into another romantic relationship a week after your old one ended is healthy!

The thing that frustrates me even more is when people acknowledge this and still refuse to work on it. It does you no good to recognize that you have a problem if you do nothing to remedy it. Gah! OK, I think my ranting and rambling is sufficiently delinear. I'm outta here.

--Simon Peter

Currently, my favorite song from Project 86...

Out of the playground’s ashes
Come little men with little games
They’re playing war
They’re planning new crusades like new arcades
The reason for the season is to flood the media
With suicidal mania
And paint this landscape with this human waste

So lets all sing a song of love
Lets sing sing sing sing
Sing until our throats bleed

And if this child could sing he would say:
I don’t need anybody
I don’t need anyone
I don’t need your guidance home
Watch as I build my empire
Watch as I rise and fall
Watch as I fight all alone

History’s a stage for re-runs
For 3 A.M. insomniacs who quote the episodes
If tricycles came with guns we’d all be safe
Little green men didn’t come from outer space
With coupons in the Sunday Paper
They came from corporate brains

So until we all confess
And admit we stole the candy
These little men are playing games
From here to eternity
But I'll be sitting by myself here
Waiting oh so patiently
Waiting for the sky to fall
And purge frail humanity

Artist: Project 86
Album: Truthless Heroes
Song: Little Green Men


For some reason, the chorus is just great for relieving stress. It's strange, but wholesome.

"Watch as I build my empire
Watch as I rise and fall
Watch as I fight all alone"

Just yelling this at the top of my lungs really helps to cleanse the soul. Not sure why, but it does. lol

Anyways, just thought I'd share that fun bit of text. Off to relax a bit before hitting the sack. Tomorrow's the day I get to confront all the professors whos' classes I skipped yesterday. :-P

--Simon Peter

Disposable

I feel dejected. I feel hurt. I feel that no matter how good of a friend I am, that I can never be the person that you want. I feel like I'm used. I feel like a Kleenex. Sneeze into it, cry into it, and then throw it in the waste basket and more on.

Hurt? Of course I feel hurt. I feel as if I have poured myself out to help you, but in doing so I leave myself empty. Is it my fault? Yes, for doing so. Is it your fault? Yes, for letting me.

Used. I feel used. Worn. I feel worn. Trampled, stepped on, abused. Consciously? Perhaps not. It doesn't make it easier. I do this to myself. I set myself up for this.

Do you want to know why most men are assholes? It's really quite interesting. I thought about this tonight. The few that actually might be nice, get treated like trash. They get treated like they're disposable. So, in order to protect themselves, they don't allow themselves to feel. If they can reverse it, if they can view other people as disposable, then they are no longer disposable themselves.

I need to be needed. This is how I derive 90% of my self worth. There is no better way to ruin me, to crush my spirit, to destroy me, then to confide in me and then throw me to the wayside. I don't want to become an asshole. I want to be able to be a friend to those who need it. I feel like I need to though. I don't open myself up to many people, but when I do, it always seems I get hurt. Some might rather feel pain than nothing at all, but not me. I would rather feel nothing. I would rather be floating free in a sea of oblivion. Oh, for the day when I can truly detach from my emotions. When I can look down from about in logical clarity, analyzing these strange feelings, but never really feeling them.

I know I shouldn't be hurt. I know you owe me nothing. I know I gave my support willingly and I tried to expect nothing in return. I can't help myself though. I can't help it. Disposable is a good word. Yes, I feel disposable.

Complications

So...life is very complicated right now.

Note for all, nice guys finish last. Not only that, they get loads of sh*t dropped on them. Seriously, I think this is probably one of the most...interesting...situations I've been in for a LONG time.

Maybe in a few days, when a bit more of this stuff is sorted out, you'll see if up here. I don't know what the f*ck is going on right now. Actually, maybe I know to much. I'm torn by wishing that I knew nothing, and wishing I knew everything. I wish I could wash my hands of the whole situation, but it is quite literally impossible. I'm screwed, with no way out, with no way to possibly salvage.

--Simon Peter

Suck at life

Anyone wanna hear a story where I don't suck at life? Too bad, you're not going to hear it here, because I do.

"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."
--DragonflyBlade21

F***ing A**, that is so my life right now.

Me thinks I'm dense

OK, so I just realized that I'm your typical guy. Some comments were made last night that went over my head and it's just now dawning on me what they were likely about.

Here's the back story. My friend Melissa recently broke up with her boyfriend...sorta. It's complicated. Anyways, during this break up...sorta. I've been hanging out with her, trying to be a good friend and what not. Last night, we went and saw the prestige (we were going to go karaoke, but that got nixed).


Melissa (early, before the movie and what not): If I wasn't so heartbroken over Paul right now, I could see myself dating you.


OK, I get this one. It's not to hard to see. She's going through a tough time and I'm there for her. Therefore, I get the "you're a nice guy, but there's no way it could work" talk. Not a problem. It's what came later that completely went over my head.


Melissa (after the movie, driving back): Paul and I met to early.

Melissa (few minutes later): Actually, it's very likely that I saw you at U of I, but just didn't notice you.


Am I reading to much into this? I doubt those are the exact words, but I remember being confused as to where the second comment came from? I hate romance. Melissa is an awesome girl, and I would LOVE to date her under different circumstances. If I were to try anything right now though, I would just be a substitute for Paul. *sigh* The biggest problem is, I really do like her. It's one of the hazards of being a friend to a member of the opposite sex (at least it has always been for me), especially when you are a confidant. Seriously, romance sucks...as does the lack there of.

Well, I should have been @ work 10 min ago and I'm still not dressed. Time for me to get out of here. God bless.

--Simon Peter