If there was a way

If there was a way I could go back and erase the past 3 monthes and just not date Karen, I would. Life should have a system restore button. It's not that I don't like the relationship that I had. It was awesome and I really don't think I would have changed a thing about it. It's just that I now feel that I've wasted the past 3 monthes ruining the best friend that happens to be a girl relationship that I've ever had. I want the friendship back that has been destroyed.

Why's it so hard to find a ground inbetween love and hate. Karen told me that I can't be in love with her anymore at all and now the first thing I'm tempted to do is hate her. How can I claim to have been in love with her if I can change so quickly. Actually, I think that's what it is. I can't not be in love with her so I have to quench the love with and equal or greater amount of hate if I'm to be able to survive. God, I hate myself right now! I hate life right now. Sure, there's a good part here or there but for the most part life downright sucks.

During possibily our last conversation ever Karen asked me if I had anything that I could look back on in my life and say that it made it all worth while. I'm really not sure that I can point to anything. Yes, I am pathetic. I know I am. I also know that there have been many happy times in my life and many times that count for something, but it seems that the pain and the suckiness of life outway the other stuff by so much. Or perhaps I'm just a retard who can't see past his current position. That could very well be the case as well, which brings be back to the entire thing of me hating myself--this time for being so near sighted.

Another thing that pisses me off is I really don't see where I messed up. Something went wron somewhere and I really don't see it in the relationship. Maybe we shouldn't have even started but then I would have felt like I passed up a great opertunity. By all means, I don't see what I could have or should have done differently. If this happened here and I don't see what to correct then how am I going to be able to stop the same thing from happening in a future relationship. Like hell I want to ruin another friendship in this way. Right now I don't want to ever date again, the risks of ruining the friendship is just to great if I don't even know what the heck I did wrong.

Now I'm just rambling so I'm going to shut up. In case Karen ever reads this (doubtful) I am sorry that I relationship got jacked from this. I hate it so much, I so want to be able to talk to you and just be your friend again. I hate this so much and I just wish that we could go back and have back what we had before all of this got started. I'm sorry. I am so so sorry that this happened.