Love revisited

Love? Love is way underrated.

Romantism? Romantism is so overrated I don't think I can even begin to express it. Love is a beautiful thing. However, beware of falling into the trap of equating romantism with love. Love is not always romantic. Love does not always mean the another person makes you happy all the time. True love is non-negotiable. True love does not stop just because the warm fuzzies stop.

Do you love someone? I hope so. I hope that you can love someone beyond romantic love--with all it's hyped up fluff. I hope you can love someone in such a way that you couldn't stop even if you wanted to. Romantic love comes and goes. Love lasts forever. Even after the romantics are dead and gone, LOVE remains.

To anyone thinking of dabling with love, remember, love is perhaps the most powerful force in the universe. You cannot control it. It is beyond you. Love is so powerful is called the creator of the cosmos to sacrifice his son for a group of people who did things that he absolutely detested. If love can do that to the creator of all things, are you really so arrogant as to think that you can control it? Are you really so foolish as to think that you are somehow exempt? Love is awesome in the truest sense of the word. It demands respect. It commands awe. Do not take it lightly or you are likely to be torn appart.

Aggressive

Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the Thessalonians, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures ever day to see if what Paul said was true.
Acts 17:11

This is a passage of scripture that I have known about for quite some time but couldn't remember the reference to so when I came across it in my scripture readings last night I was ecstatic (which was balanced by a decent does of exhaustion). This verse points at as much as any other I know the importance of being in God's word so that we may test what we hear with what God says. The teachings of Paul, one of the most influential theologians of the early church, were put to the test by these Bereans and it was accredited to them as a noble thing to do. This is a call from mediocrity that is so often found in American Christians today. We go to church on Sunday, hear was the pastor has to say, maybe even act on what the pastor has to say, but never bother to test it against scriptures. This is a call away from this life style. Not a call to ignore the pastor, but a call to keep the pastor and other Christians around us accountable to the teachings of the scriptures.

God bless, everyone. I'm gonna go to place...

Statistics class poetry (It sucks, but hey, this is my blog and I'll post what I want!)

Writing poetry
about who knows what
trying to ignore the pain
of my deep heart cut

Wish that
shomehow, some way
I could be having
a better day

Knowing that
someday, some how
I will be healed
but in the future, not now

Boy, rhyming poems
sure do suck
Maybe if I was better
I could write one for a buck

My next poem
will not rhyme
the limit to much
and take way to much time

Beautiful weather but...

I will not try to deny it one bit. Today was beautiful weather and I quite enjoyed the day except the part around 6ish where, instead of playing poker as I had been looking forward to since last Wensday, I was called upon to bail out a fellow lifeguard and be their sub for the evening. It's poker night! Poker night means I play poker and not that I lifeguard! Arr, the frusteration is almost to much for me to bear because instead of being a jerk and saying that I couldn't guard when I really have no good excuse I said that I would, if she could find absolutely no one else. Guess what? She didn't find anyone else and I was stuck with guarding for 2 hours where I really could have been spending time with my floormates playing an exciting game of Texas Hold'em. I guess this stuff happens, but why does it have to be on poker night?

Again, though, the weather today was gorgeous and I even played some Ultimate Frisbee. My goodness, I'm out of shape. It was fun anyways though. Well, that's really about all I have to say right now. God bless and I sincerely hope that your poker nights (or the equivalent) are not so rudely interupted.

I've come to the conclusion that I am going through a spiritual growth spurt right now. With all the crazy stuff that's going on in my life right now I am being forced to either grow in my faith or ditch it completely and try to go it alone. I already tried the second a couple of years ago and it didn't work so I'm taking the other approach this time. I'm starting to make sure I read at least a chapter or two of scriptures before I go to bed each night, plus I'm reading To Busy Not To Pray as well as The Ragamuffin Gospel. Although this time in my life is hard, it is also really good and I'm finding it quite rewarding because I have been broken to the point where I couldn't carry my own burden even if I wanted to so I have just given it to God.

On the less spiritual, more physical side of reality, my weekend at home was good for the most part. I bought some coffee, hung out with friends from high school, and just had a good time not doing anything that pertains to school. I really enjoyed hanging out with friends. On the not so good side of things, my family's German Shepard got hit by a car on Sat. She's still alive but she was bleeding pretty bad and I'm sure she's still sore. Even though I say that I hate dogs all the time I would still be extremely sad if one of our dogs died.

Well, it's time for me to wrap up this post. Thank you everyone who takes the time to bother to read about my life. I almost feel selfish taking your time to read this, but then I remember that you're doing it voluntarily and that I'm not forcing you. Then that really does make me feel like a special person, knowing that people are actually interested in how my life is going. I pray that God blesses you as much as He's blessing me right now (minus all the emotional turmoil and pain).

Where I need to be

On my way home I had a good discussion between me, myself and God. It occurred to me that right now I'm seeking the will of God as best I know how. Since I believe that God is a good God and that therefore He does not hide His will from me, and since I am seeking His will, then I am within God's will for me at this time. If I am within God's will for me at this time, then I am at the best place possible for me right now. I am going through a time of great uncertianty in my life right now and I have realized that a lot of it is God telling me that I need to get go and trust in Him. I can't control everything in my life right now and I have absolutely no clue what tomorrow will bring, but I know that if I follow God then I will not be let down.

Heading home for Easter

Work went almost an hour late and halfway through it I so depressed I was just about ready to walk out so I could go yell at something. (Actually, I did for a minute. Although I didn't yell. I just went into the bathroom and wisper yelled a couple of things to the guy in the mirror.) I think I'm gonna take up hardcore music right about now. I'm not sure anything else quite satisfies what I'm feeling inside.

Well, I'm off so I can pretend to get home at a decent time. God bless.

Thank you

I would like to take this oppertunity to thank all the people that have been praying for me. Your support is so greatly appreciated. Your support for me in this time means more to me than I can really completely express in words. Thank you everyone for caring for me. I only hope that if you are going through a hard time sometime that I can return the favor and just show you the love that you have been showing me.

Feel a bit better

I feel a bit better now. I've talked to Karen a little bit and it looks like it's not going to be excommunication. I feel much better knowing that Karen and I will likely be able to talk again and I can harbor the hope that perhaps we will be able to rebuild our friendship somewhat. I do not hold any hope anymore for a romantic relationship and while that hurts a bit I can accept that. It was just the idea that we would never be able to be friends again that really got to me.

And getting off Karen for a bit, I'm almost out of the hole in playing $1 poker here @ school. I came away tonight $3.50 richer than I went in. Of course you have to consider that I have probably lost about $10 and have only won about $8 or something like that total, leaving me in the hole still. Oh, well. I'm happy about it. It's fun to play, it's even more fun to win! I was really getting some amazing hands tonight though. Much better than usual.

Well, it's getting kinda late and I need to get to bed. Take care everyone.

If there was a way

If there was a way I could go back and erase the past 3 monthes and just not date Karen, I would. Life should have a system restore button. It's not that I don't like the relationship that I had. It was awesome and I really don't think I would have changed a thing about it. It's just that I now feel that I've wasted the past 3 monthes ruining the best friend that happens to be a girl relationship that I've ever had. I want the friendship back that has been destroyed.

Why's it so hard to find a ground inbetween love and hate. Karen told me that I can't be in love with her anymore at all and now the first thing I'm tempted to do is hate her. How can I claim to have been in love with her if I can change so quickly. Actually, I think that's what it is. I can't not be in love with her so I have to quench the love with and equal or greater amount of hate if I'm to be able to survive. God, I hate myself right now! I hate life right now. Sure, there's a good part here or there but for the most part life downright sucks.

During possibily our last conversation ever Karen asked me if I had anything that I could look back on in my life and say that it made it all worth while. I'm really not sure that I can point to anything. Yes, I am pathetic. I know I am. I also know that there have been many happy times in my life and many times that count for something, but it seems that the pain and the suckiness of life outway the other stuff by so much. Or perhaps I'm just a retard who can't see past his current position. That could very well be the case as well, which brings be back to the entire thing of me hating myself--this time for being so near sighted.

Another thing that pisses me off is I really don't see where I messed up. Something went wron somewhere and I really don't see it in the relationship. Maybe we shouldn't have even started but then I would have felt like I passed up a great opertunity. By all means, I don't see what I could have or should have done differently. If this happened here and I don't see what to correct then how am I going to be able to stop the same thing from happening in a future relationship. Like hell I want to ruin another friendship in this way. Right now I don't want to ever date again, the risks of ruining the friendship is just to great if I don't even know what the heck I did wrong.

Now I'm just rambling so I'm going to shut up. In case Karen ever reads this (doubtful) I am sorry that I relationship got jacked from this. I hate it so much, I so want to be able to talk to you and just be your friend again. I hate this so much and I just wish that we could go back and have back what we had before all of this got started. I'm sorry. I am so so sorry that this happened.

Broken promise

I think I figured out why I'm incredibly frusterated. It's not that my heart has now been ripped out, stomped on, thrown back in until a scab beings to form and then ripped out again, multilated some more and then thrown into the stinkiest dumpster around. No, it's not really that. Although that is quite frusterating and sad.

The reason I'm so upset is because of a broken promise. When Karen and I started our romantic relationship we made a promise that if we ever broke up that we would still remain friends. Obviously, we would not be the same type of friends but we had told each other that we would remain friends. I feel that Karen had now broken that promise and that is what makes me so upset. If she just would have said "no" to getting back together, that would have been fine. I would have been hurt, but I was even kind of expecting that she would. Instead, it was "no and I'm never going to talk to you again and I'm going to try to avoid you at all costs." OK, now that makes me mad. That is very blatenly breaking the promise that we made at the being and that makes me mad. I blaim myself for our broken dating relationship, no questions asked, but I blame Karen now for our broken friendship and I'd almost say that that is worse.

Well, I've got class now otherwise I'd rant some more. Human nature sucks.

For those of you who have a good image of me, don't read this because it will be shattered.

Life's a bitch, and then you die.

For all of those who this offends I am sorry. I am mad at the world right now and that's one of the better things I can say. If you don't know why I'm mad at the world, you probably don't need to know. If you feel that you need to know though, IM me and I'll tell you why I feel like driving down the freeway @ 120 mph with hardcore music blaring as loud as it can go and my middle finger up to whoever's out there. I'm sorry to any who's view of me I shattered but right now I really just don't care.

PS. We'll see if I'm a pansy and delete this later because I'm to ashamed of showing people the extent of my imperfection. Yes, I am a Christian but there are times when I do not act like it and this is definitly one of them.

No rest

California was definilty awesome but there is not rest for the jet-lag weary. I have my brother's musical I get to go to tonight, then I get to hang out with Ben tomorrow, then church Sunday followed by school and the return of school and homework. At least Easter is coming up and I only have a few days of classes before another break. I am just really tired right now.

Well, I could write to you all about exactly what went on in my day and what not, but I think that I've been doing that to much recently. Instead, I will try to focus on my thoughts and feelings. Actually, I'm gonna wait a few days to really do that I think. I have something coming up that is going to make yet another major swing in my emotional life I do believe and I think I want to wait until it happens to tell you about it. You all will just have to wait to find out what it is :-D. I'm heading out. God bless.

Back

Back to cold weather and slow internet. I really need to move someplace warm as soon as I'm done with school. I can't handle this.

So, here's the rundown on the trip. It was fun. Yep, there's my summary. In a bit more detail, I was completely blown away by what was at the ACS (American Chemical Society) convention. I understood, at most, 1% of everything I looked at. If I ever go to one of those things again I need a lot more background. On the everything else part of the trip: the weather was great, the food was awesome (especially with the Chemistry department covering almost all the meals), whale watching was pretty cool, and the people I hung out with were just really great people as well. We got to tour the Phisor (or however you spell it) plant down there and I optimized the computer of the guy I was staying with. All in all it was a fun and productive trip.

Thanks to everyone that is reading this. Someone left a comment that apperently not only people I know read this and I would like to take this moment to recognize and thank them for taking an interst in my life. I'm getting tired now though so I'm gonna go. Goodnight and God bless everyone.

Before I head back

Before I head back into the cold I figure I should make a post so that I can at least attempt to remember how nice it was to not have snow on the ground. I wore shorts and a T-shirt yesterday and I was comfortable! Need to hold onto that thought. Warm weather does exist SOMEWHERE away from Michigan this time of year.

Well, need to head out so we can make the flight. Post later and God bless.

I lied

OK, so I lied. My last post wasn't my last post before I went on Spring Break, but this one will be because I'm leaving in just a few hours. Final status, I think I'm done, but it's definilty not as good as I would have liked. Oh well.

On the plus side, when I was at the Crossing yesterday working on the project they had just hired a new employed and she was learning the roaps so I got a free latte. It was pretty good as well, especially for her second ever drink. I also learned while I was there that apperently the medium from which you drink coffee (glass, ceramic, plastic, styrofoam) has an effect on the taste of the coffee. I couldn't really tell that much difference between glass and ceramic, but I felt like I did sense. It could have just been my imaginination acting up on me but the glass almost made the coffee seem a bit brighter/lighter/I_don't_know,_I'm_a_freak.

Well, gotta jet and get packed and make a few finishing touches on my project. I know most of you won't see this until I'm back anyways I'm going to pretend that you will and wish you a good break.

Long time no post

So this is probably the longest time I've gone without posting yet. However, this will be my last post for close to a week now, I do believe. I'm going on Spring Break and I'm not sure how much internet I'll have to work with. That's ok though because I'm actually gonna be warm in beautiful San Diago. Yeah Spring Break!

Before I get all excited and what not though, I need to get my presentation all done so that I have something to present in San Diago before I leave tomorrow. Free trips aren't always so free. Oh well. OK, I'm gonna go work on that some more because I really gotta get it done. Hope everyone's life is going at at least 90% ok level and I look forward to posting after break to let you all know how it went.

Shameless plug

OK, I know that this is a shameless plug but...I really want a Free iPod. I mean, come on. Who doesn't like free stuff? Seriously, check on the offer and let's all milk the system for what it's worth.

Now that I'm done degrading myself, I will tell you about my day. It went ok for the most part. That's pretty much it. I had a test today in Stats which I do believe that I did pretty well in, my speech was pushed back because the internet went down last night, I played video games for way longer than I intended and I STILL don't have my poster done (or even started) but the day was still pretty good. I just really need to get this poster done...boy in I a bad procrastinator. Well, there's my few sentences for the day. Hope you all enjoy reading about my life. I know I enjoy writing about it. God bless.

2nd post in less than 24 hours. This is starting to get to be a commonplace.

Well, today was quite an interesting day with most of it on the road. Needless to say I got neither homework nor studying done but I am ok with that. I mentioned my dentist appointment in the last post. That went well, although I did have a bit of excitement on the way there. A semi was turning and apperently didn't have enough room so the guy in front of me backed up, without realizing I was there. We bumped bumpers pretty good but there was no real damage done. Considering I got the car free I was a bit more worried that perhaps he did some damage to his vehicle than what he did to mine :-P. It was all good though because neither one really got any damage.

Being on the road really gave me time to be depressed. It also gave me time to be mad at myself and the world. Then I got back to school and was given a reality check as I sat in and even participated a little bit on some theological issues. No longer was it all about me. I wish I could realize that more often. It really feels good right now to know that what is happening in my life is really not anything that I should truly be concerned about. What I need to concerned about is my relationship with God and how I interact with Him and let the other pieces of "reality" fall where they may. The physical world is only a means to an end and that end is knowing God as much as possible. Also, the pizza was good at the get together :-D.

Well, that's all I have for this evening/morning. I think I will end this blog with a challenge. I challenge you to live outside of yourself. I challenge you to try to focus anywhere but on yourself for a whole day. This does not mean purposefully doing things that you know you don't like or that you wouldn't usually do. Do that some other time. I am challenging you to not think of your problems, your stories, your joys, your pains, your anything for a day and focus on God and others. This is your mission, should you choose to accept.

This webpage will self-destruct in 5...4...3...2...1...*Unknown error in self-destruct protical.* Hmm...guess that didn't work. Oh well, you guys get to keep the page, this time...God bless and good luck!

Crazy hectic week

So it's Tuesday and I get to spend 4-5 hours on the road driving to and from a dentist appointment. I then have a speech that is due tomorrow that I need to write up, practic, the whole shabang as well as a midterm. I then have yet another midterm this week as well as test corrections from a previous test due as well. This all compounded on top of the fact that I still haven't started making my poster for the Chemistry convention I'm going to over Spring Break (next week) that needs to be done no later than Friday. Top this all off with the fact that relationships are just way to complex and can really make life suck at times and I have not that great of the rest of the week ahead of me.

On the plus side, this weekend is my brother's birthday and then at the end of this weekend I get to go to California for Spring Break! Wow, life is has way to many parts and just needs to be broken down so that I can tackle on thing at a time. I'm no good at this all at once thing. I still request your prayers and thank you for all that you have already offered up for me. Now I've gotta go take off for my appointment. God bless.

Apology

This is an apology. In my last post I implied that I never had fun with Karen. This is not true at all. What I meant to say is that when I go someplace with someone, I feel that it is my responsibility to make sure that they have a good time. When I was dating Karen, I always felt that it was my responsibility to make sure that she had a good time and therefore I sometimes held back on doing things that I would have otherwise done. It had nothing to do with dating Karen specifically. I just find it much easier to make a fool of myself when I am the only person who's reputation is on the line. I am sorry for misspeaking and making Karen sound like she never wanted to do anything fun. Karen was an awesome girlfriend and I can only hope to find someone just as awesome as my spouse someday.

Roller Skating!!!!

Today was a pretty good day, starting with the fact that I did not get up until 11. I then had a relaxing afternoon of game playing and being taken out to eat and not having to pay :-D. Other than the lag during the begining of open hours (I really miss having a place to go during them *sigh*) the day seemed to just get better.

This evening was then the Muffit/Ormston skating party, 10-12. Took off at 9:30, took the wrong exit, got lost for a bit and took an extra 20 min getting there (didn't get there until quarter after) but finally made it and it was well worth it. I love skating. If exercise was as exciting as roller skating I might actually do it. After skating a bunch of us went to Denny's for another hour (got turned around getting there as well) and got to have more fun. Finally headed back (actually didn't get lost) just a few minutes ago (about 1:30 AM) and am now quite ready to relax.

Here comes another reason why I think it was good that I did break up with Karen, so if you're tired of hearing them you can stop reading. While I was dating Karen I felt a lot of times like I couldn't just go have fun. I felt like I had to try to bring her with me and she didn't always go for that--plus, I usually was just kinda embaressed to ask her if she wanted to go make a fool of her self with me. Tonight while I was skating, I could act like a goof and not worry one bit about it. It was quite nice.

Well, I'm heading out. I'll talk to all you beautiful people later.

General Update

Nothing much new is happening in my life right now but I thought I'd give those few people who read this semi-reguraly something new. I am still saddened by my breakup with Karen but the more I think on it the more I come to realize that it really is not that much of a bad thing. There are a few reasons for this, and some of them I will keep to myself. One of the main reasons though is that my life was way unbalanced for a while there. Granted, I'm not about to start doing something drastic like homework or anything, but I started an Final Fantasy IX tonight and I know that I have time that I can play it. It's just kind nice to be single again. Now if I could only figure out how to get a friendship built between Karen and myself again I'd be all set! *sigh*

My parents came up tonight (actually, it's yesterday now :-P ) and we went out to dinner. More than anything I think my mom just wanted to make sure that I really was doing ok after the break up. It was good to see my parents though. Not a lot more really going on in my life but thought you people might be vaguely interested. I'm heading to bad. Goodnight ya'll

Weirder and Weirder

So these days seem to be getting weirder and weirder. Today I almost felt normal. It's like I had my emotional train wreck Monday, had a day of talking on Tuesday, and now on Wensday I'm to the point where not only am I able to think about the relationship without wanting to shoot myself and where I was even able to sit down with Karen and have a talk without getting emotional! I almost feel bad for feeling so good. I know that it's probably not going to stay this consistant, but today was a really good day for me. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me the last couple of days. I really feel that God has answered your and my prayers. I don't think that there is any way that I could be experiencing this except through God's grace. Thank you again and God bless.

Poker

Played poker today with some of my floor mates. For Once I didn't loose all my money. I even gained about a dollar!

Thank you to all the people that have been praying for me. It really is helping quite a lot. I no longer feel like throwing myself in front of a moving vehicle. (That is meant to be about 60% a joke.) It going to take quite a while before I am over this but I can at least function now. I almost have my appetite back! Now if only I could find my student ID card so I could get into the DC...

Screwy morning

This morning, I woke up at 6 and couldn't get back to sleep. I finally got to sleep at about midnight last night so it wasn't that. I think that I'm just super stressed right now. I layed in bed for an hour and finally decided to get up and I took a walk. I took a walk at 7 in the morning in biting snow for 45 min. Yeah, I definitly am not all together right now.

Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:8-first sentence of 14

The only person you can could on to give you this sort of love is Jesus Christ, everyone else will fail you and you will fail them. I have now learned this the hard way.