Peter's blog

Chemistry?

2007-03-01T10:21:00.000-06:00

This week, I have had 2 professors ask me if I'm sure that Chemistry is really the right field for me. Not only that, they were both Chemistry professors. Am I missing something here? My entire college career, I've been going on the assumption that I will be a Chemistry major. I transferred schools to be a Chemistry major. Everything I have done since I have been in college has been under the assumption that I will be a Chemistry major. Now, the second semester of my senior year of college, when I'm supposed to be graduating, I am asked this question. The really bad thing is, I'm not sure.

To be honest, chemistry in not where my heart is. My heart is in mathematics. I chose chemistry because I thought it was a good place for me to apply my math skills without having to take up a job as an accountant or something like that. Theoretically, I'm only a few weeks away from graduating. However, I have thoroughly screwed myself to the point to where I may not be able to graduate with the Chemistry degree if I wanted to! I already have the math degree, I'm not really worried about that. I don't know what I want anymore.

I was talking with one of my profs and she threw out the suggestion that perhaps I want to think about it. Perhaps I do just want to drop Chemistry and go with math. I don't have to do it if I don't want to. I feel like if I do that though, I'm giving up. I feel like I threw a lot of money down the drain just to give up right before the finish line. On the other hand, I look at my classes and realize that I could start working full time and actually having more time.

Theoretically, if I were to drop chemistry and drop all the courses I didn't need, I would have a total of 1 night class this semester. That would be all I had to go to. True, I would no longer be full time and I would have to worry about scholarships and all that shit, but if I started working full time, I'd have enough to cover the difference in a month or 2. It's not like I ever really got around to filling out scholarship stuff anyways. It's all in loans, and I don't have to be in school to maintain those.

Bottom line here, I don't know what's going on right now. I might end up dropping something that I have put years into, just because I screwed myself if the end. Whatever happens, life will go on. Anyways, I hope everyone else is having a good life. I'm getting out of here. God bless.

--Simon Peter

Crazy

2007-02-26T00:20:00.000-06:00

Going crazy (if I'm not already there). Bout of mild depression. Stress, self-loathing. I don't know. I hate life right now. I hate me right now. Hoping I get hit on the way to school tomorrow. I don't really want to die, just go comatose for a few months, wake up and have to go through a rehab before I can really do anything. Lose contact with everyone so I don't have to worry about them anymore. Go back to not knowing anyone and having my nose in a book every free minute. Get a job that doesn't involve thinking for 50 hours/week. Making enough to live on but not enough that I can take vacations. Vacations give me time not to be in mindless, monotonous routine and bring about questions that I would rather not answer. Maybe take up drugs so that my mind doesn't work properly. Anything has got to be better than the shit that I feel that I have no reason to feel right now. At least if I had a shitty life, I'd have reason to complain.

(FYI, I did not proofread this at all. It is all how it came out of my head and I'm leaving it that way. This is seriously have I'm feeling right now and I don't want to tone it down just because I'm scared that I'll make people worry about me. It's not like I have to worry about that anyways. Nobody reads this fucking thing (ok, there might be one, MAYBE 2 people other than myself))

Myers Briggs

2007-01-26T15:41:00.000-06:00

Took the Myers Briggs again today. Came out an ISFJ. Did a bit of looking to try to get a good description and the very first site I found seemed to describe me VERY well. Those of you who know me, let me know what you think.

"

ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.)

ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses.

In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers.

While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics :-). Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones--although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want.

Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem."

http://www.typelogic.com/isfj.html

Brother Status

2007-01-21T16:19:00.000-06:00

I have now reached brother status, the gay friend who happens to not be gay, the guy that can never have a chance romantically, but who still listens to all problems and gives advice and what not.

I seem to have this bad habit of being to good a friend to ever be anything more. I am not blaming this completely on the female sex. I know a lot of this is my fault as well. I didn't make any move...because I thought that it was to early. I still think that it is to early, but now any possible chance I had of anything romantic in the future is gone.

OK, that brings me to another thing. People need to learn to accept being single. Seriously, I know it's not easy, but when you NEED a significant other to fulfill yourself, that is not health. That is my opinion. If you feel that need, what you need is not a significant other, what you need is a good support group of friends. Is that easy to come by? No, it is not. At the same time, that group of friends will save you a lot of heartache and will help you get through the heartache you do experience. I hate to say this, but ofter friendships are stronger than romantic relationships. While you're in the relationship, you often ignore your friends. However, as soon as that ends, your friends are willing to except you back with open arms, sympathizing with you, offering comfort, even rejoicing with you when you find a NEW significant other, all with the full knowledge that they will be pushed to the side again...if you can't tell, I've been in this position before. That paragraph didn't really go where I was intending it to. I sorta got sidetracked with a rant. Anyways, my point is that friendships will outlast 90% of your romantic relationship and will give you the strength to handle being single. I do not think that jumping into another romantic relationship a week after your old one ended is healthy!

The thing that frustrates me even more is when people acknowledge this and still refuse to work on it. It does you no good to recognize that you have a problem if you do nothing to remedy it. Gah! OK, I think my ranting and rambling is sufficiently delinear. I'm outta here.

--Simon Peter

Currently, my favorite song from Project 86...

2007-01-16T19:59:00.000-06:00

Out of the playground’s ashes
Come little men with little games
They’re playing war
They’re planning new crusades like new arcades
The reason for the season is to flood the media
With suicidal mania
And paint this landscape with this human waste

So lets all sing a song of love
Lets sing sing sing sing
Sing until our throats bleed

And if this child could sing he would say:
I don’t need anybody
I don’t need anyone
I don’t need your guidance home
Watch as I build my empire
Watch as I rise and fall
Watch as I fight all alone

History’s a stage for re-runs
For 3 A.M. insomniacs who quote the episodes
If tricycles came with guns we’d all be safe
Little green men didn’t come from outer space
With coupons in the Sunday Paper
They came from corporate brains

So until we all confess
And admit we stole the candy
These little men are playing games
From here to eternity
But I'll be sitting by myself here
Waiting oh so patiently
Waiting for the sky to fall
And purge frail humanity

Artist: Project 86
Album: Truthless Heroes
Song: Little Green Men

For some reason, the chorus is just great for relieving stress. It's strange, but wholesome.

"Watch as I build my empire
Watch as I rise and fall
Watch as I fight all alone"

Just yelling this at the top of my lungs really helps to cleanse the soul. Not sure why, but it does. lol

Anyways, just thought I'd share that fun bit of text. Off to relax a bit before hitting the sack. Tomorrow's the day I get to confront all the professors whos' classes I skipped yesterday. :-P

--Simon Peter

Disposable

2007-01-16T00:28:00.000-06:00

I feel dejected. I feel hurt. I feel that no matter how good of a friend I am, that I can never be the person that you want. I feel like I'm used. I feel like a Kleenex. Sneeze into it, cry into it, and then throw it in the waste basket and more on.

Hurt? Of course I feel hurt. I feel as if I have poured myself out to help you, but in doing so I leave myself empty. Is it my fault? Yes, for doing so. Is it your fault? Yes, for letting me.

Used. I feel used. Worn. I feel worn. Trampled, stepped on, abused. Consciously? Perhaps not. It doesn't make it easier. I do this to myself. I set myself up for this.

Do you want to know why most men are assholes? It's really quite interesting. I thought about this tonight. The few that actually might be nice, get treated like trash. They get treated like they're disposable. So, in order to protect themselves, they don't allow themselves to feel. If they can reverse it, if they can view other people as disposable, then they are no longer disposable themselves.

I need to be needed. This is how I derive 90% of my self worth. There is no better way to ruin me, to crush my spirit, to destroy me, then to confide in me and then throw me to the wayside. I don't want to become an asshole. I want to be able to be a friend to those who need it. I feel like I need to though. I don't open myself up to many people, but when I do, it always seems I get hurt. Some might rather feel pain than nothing at all, but not me. I would rather feel nothing. I would rather be floating free in a sea of oblivion. Oh, for the day when I can truly detach from my emotions. When I can look down from about in logical clarity, analyzing these strange feelings, but never really feeling them.

I know I shouldn't be hurt. I know you owe me nothing. I know I gave my support willingly and I tried to expect nothing in return. I can't help myself though. I can't help it. Disposable is a good word. Yes, I feel disposable.

Complications

2007-01-15T20:28:00.000-06:00

So...life is very complicated right now.

Note for all, nice guys finish last. Not only that, they get loads of sh*t dropped on them. Seriously, I think this is probably one of the most...interesting...situations I've been in for a LONG time.

Maybe in a few days, when a bit more of this stuff is sorted out, you'll see if up here. I don't know what the f*ck is going on right now. Actually, maybe I know to much. I'm torn by wishing that I knew nothing, and wishing I knew everything. I wish I could wash my hands of the whole situation, but it is quite literally impossible. I'm screwed, with no way out, with no way to possibly salvage.

--Simon Peter

Suck at life

2007-01-15T04:41:00.000-06:00

Anyone wanna hear a story where I don't suck at life? Too bad, you're not going to hear it here, because I do.

"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."
--DragonflyBlade21

F***ing A**, that is so my life right now.

Me thinks I'm dense

2007-01-10T06:56:00.000-06:00

OK, so I just realized that I'm your typical guy. Some comments were made last night that went over my head and it's just now dawning on me what they were likely about.

Here's the back story. My friend Melissa recently broke up with her boyfriend...sorta. It's complicated. Anyways, during this break up...sorta. I've been hanging out with her, trying to be a good friend and what not. Last night, we went and saw the prestige (we were going to go karaoke, but that got nixed).

Melissa (early, before the movie and what not): If I wasn't so heartbroken over Paul right now, I could see myself dating you.

OK, I get this one. It's not to hard to see. She's going through a tough time and I'm there for her. Therefore, I get the "you're a nice guy, but there's no way it could work" talk. Not a problem. It's what came later that completely went over my head.

Melissa (after the movie, driving back): Paul and I met to early.

Melissa (few minutes later): Actually, it's very likely that I saw you at U of I, but just didn't notice you.

Am I reading to much into this? I doubt those are the exact words, but I remember being confused as to where the second comment came from? I hate romance. Melissa is an awesome girl, and I would LOVE to date her under different circumstances. If I were to try anything right now though, I would just be a substitute for Paul. *sigh* The biggest problem is, I really do like her. It's one of the hazards of being a friend to a member of the opposite sex (at least it has always been for me), especially when you are a confidant. Seriously, romance sucks...as does the lack there of.

Well, I should have been @ work 10 min ago and I'm still not dressed. Time for me to get out of here. God bless.

--Simon Peter

Be afraid. Be very afraid

2006-11-03T10:38:00.000-06:00

For the last couple of years I have been growing out my hair so that I could chop it off and give it to locks of love. Tuesday evening at 10:30 PM, I finally did it. I chopped off all but a small portion of my hair, not bothering to notify anyone prior to my actions. I didn't stop there, though. No, I people might be shocked at the hair but I figured I could go one step better. I shaved off my beard as well. Now, I am a short haired man with no beard. Before, I was a long haired man with a full beard. Going to classes and work the next day provided many good reactions.

The first thing I got with many people was a double take. People that I have known for quite some time taking a good 5 seconds to recognize me as I stare right at them. Watching their facial expression as it goes from confusion to shock (and sometimes horror) upon recognition. One of the best was when Chip walked into the room. He did the double take and then let out a slight yelp as he realized who I was. Another good one was when I walked into choir and Crissy, after her 2x take, told me that I now look 1000x hotter. I guess that means I must have been REALLY ugly before...lol. However, the best one, the one that none of the others even come close to topping, was from my boss at Client Services, Patrinah. I walk into work with food like I usually do on Wensday. After about a minute, Patrinah storms out of her office with a scowl on her face. She as she looks at me her facial expression changes from a scowl to confusion. She blinks her eyes and shakes her head as if she's wondering what she is seeing is real. "Why?" is all she says. I explain it to her. Apparently, she thought that some random person walked into the help desk to eat lunch. She was coming out to inform me that I was NOT supposed to be there and that I needed to leave. By far the best reaction I have received. :-D

As for what the future holds, who knows? I need to get my hair out to Locks of Love still. I'm thinking I might grow my beard back, but not until I get a response from all those people I know. I still haven't seen a few of them. God bless. I'm outta here.

--Simon Peter

One of those days...

2006-10-25T09:21:00.000-05:00

Ever had one of those days where the world just seems to be working against you? Today is that day, for me.

1) Started off with only getting about 4 hours of sleep. This is my fault, and I enjoyed staying up, but not a good way to start the day.

2) Even though I was staying up, I didn't manage to get my paper done that is due today. Again, my fault, but more than a little frusterating.

3) I tried making espresso at home only to realize that my beans were way to old. It tasted like shit.

4) I was late for my appointment to register for classes this morning. Look to 1), 2) and 3) for reasons.

5) Found out during class registration/senior audit that Spring Arbor did NOT wait until second semester grades were out before sending my transcript. I have an entire semester + J-term missing in my records.

6) Was not able to confirm that I will be being able to graduate. Instead, I now have to get in contact with the head of both the Math and Chemistry departments, as well as contact Spring Arbor and tell them to get their asses in gear and send a transcript with ALL my grades on it so I can graduate.

7) Went to buy espresso at the on campus coffee shot since my espresso at home tasted lie shit. Their espresso machine was broken. I had to settle for a coffee. If I wanted coffee, I would have made it myself. I wanted espresso.

8) I have an essay question to answer at noon. I was going to review a bit of that before my class, but forgot my book back at my apartment.

9) A while ago our ISP (more problems there that I won't get into right now) changed our IP adress. I had had the old one memorized so I could VNC back to my desktop whenever I needed to. I wrote down the new IP on a piece of paper this morning, only to forget it as well at the apartment as I rushed out the door to try to not be later than I already was to my appointment.

If I thought about it, I could probably come up with more. Those are the major issues off the top of my head though. It's not even 11 yet. I am not looking forward to this day.

A few good notes, however:

1) I realized that I don't need my government course. I wouldn't mind if the professor didn't have such a retarded test weighting. However, he does. I dropped it this morning.

2) The coffee was on the house. This is the 3rd on the house coffee I've had in a week's time: 2 from $tar and 1 from the place here on campus.

PS. Starbucks now has a new name, $tar. When spoken, it is "chingtar", sort for "'cha-ching'tar", a sinanim for "'dollar-sign'tar", otherwise written as "$tar". Go forth and spread the slang.

--Simon Peter

Between Life and the Lack there of...

2006-10-18T21:01:00.000-05:00

I finally decided that maybe, just maybe, I'd try recording a few thoughts and sending them off into the wide world of the web in order to insure my future self to do something or another. Yeah, something noble like that.

Anyways, it's currently 10 PM on a Wednesday evening. Do you know where your kids are? Well, if you're my mom, you would probably not realize that your eldest son is at this very moment sitting at his computer and creating a blog entry. In the next few moments, he is going to go get his last Killians from the fridge, and drink it while writing his blog entry...brb

And I'm back. Anyways, this is the way my life has been going down. I've been living this semester off campus with a couple of guys in an apartment. It's not bad, living with Mark and Scott. They both have their good points and their bad points. Probably one of the hardest points though is that neither one of them are really Christian...ok, Mark claims to be, but he is truly the definition of a Sunday Christian (and he will be the first to admit that. I've heard him). Not to place the blame on them (it really is my own fault), but working up the motivation to go to church has not been easy...I think I've gone twice since the semester started. Not what I'd call a good track record. So, if you haven't guessed, my spiritual life is not really where it should be right now.

School's going about as well as school can be expected to go given the fact that I'm a horrible student who hates to do homework and always procrastinates until the very last minute on everything. I'm currently in some fun classes. Retaking Real Analysis because when I took it at SAU, it was only worth 2 credit hours (instead of the 3 here) and I don't really feel like I learned the material as well as I should have. Taking Quantum Mechanics, Scientific Computing II, General Bio (w00t freshman *sigh*), choir and American Government (which I just realized today that I really didn't have to take. That does not make me happy) and doing fairly well in all of them. I'm really not to worried about it.

What I'm worried about is the fact that I'm supposed to write a couple of fairly large research papers. Research papers are the bane of my existence. I despise writing papers to the very core of my being--along with a couple of other things like the Matrix reloaded. I really should get started on those but...once again, I'm a horrible student.

I've acquired a couple more computers over the summer and this semester so far. I now have 4 working P2s, 1 sorta working P1, 1 working AMD 900 Mhz, 1 not so working P2 and one not so working P1; along with enough spare parts to feed an army of silicon eating soldiers. Currently, 2 of my computers are being used by my family since their family machine broke and I supplied my brothers with a "gaming" computer. (It runs old games and a SNES emulator. That's about all.) I'm such a good son/brother.

Relationships...yeah, not so much. At least not in the romance category. Plenty of friends. I've actually got a fairly active social life this year. I play DnD (or variants) a couple of times a week and have been going out with a friend to the BWW downtown since before the begin of the semester. Also, I've been to a few parties. It's been pretty good socially this semester. Now, romance, that's where I've got nothing. Ah well. It'll most likely happen sometime. Until then, I just need to chill and let things be. Romance is really not something I really want to force...Although it probably wouldn't hurt for me to at least nudge it...*sigh*

On to better topics...I think I've more or less exhausted the basics of my life at the moment. I'm heading out. Gonna go pretend to do homework or something like that. Maybe write a letter I've been meaning to write for a couple of weeks now. I seem to be in the writing mood. Anyways, later anyone who may happen to stumble across this. Take care and God bless.

--Simon Peter

LAN this weekend

2006-07-07T07:57:00.000-05:00

Among other things I have going on right now, I have a LAN back home this weekend. I'm going to bring my friends Brad and Mark from down here at the University of Indianapolis with me. It should be quite interesting. It is going to be the first time I'll be mixing niche friends in quite a while.

Another reason the party should be interesting, I got 4 hours of sleep last night and not much more the night before. Yeah, I'm going to be living on caffeine. Why did I get so little sleep last night you may ask. Well, I'll tell you. I went out with a group of friends and saw the midnight showing of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Didn't get back until after 3 and I had to be at 8 in the morning. I'm thinking I'm going to try to sneak in a nap before I leave. I'll leave work a bit earlier than I planned on and just rest for a bit before I get everything around to go home.

Speaking of things to get ready before going home, I think I'm finally going to get my oil changed before we head off. It's been WAY to long since I did that last and I really do want my car to last if at all possible. If my car died, I might cry.

Let's see, what else was a I going to talk about? I really can't remember, but I do remember that I had a whole list of things and now I can't think of any of it. *sigh* oh well. Anyways, I'm out. Blessings.

Me? Social?

2006-06-10T14:15:00.000-05:00

Stranger things have happened, but I can't think of any off the top of my head. I have actually been social lately. Speciacally, this weekend. I went out with a friend Thursday even and a few drinks, went out with a larger group last night (Friday, had a few more drinks), going over to another friends house tonight (Saturday, doubt there will be any drinking) and I'm going to a party Monday (definitely alcohol involved ;-D lol)! Not only that, I've actually had to TURN DOWN a few social events that I was invited to because I already had plans! Seriously, what the crap is up with this? I don't mind having things to do, but why is that now with nearly everyone gone for the summer from campus, I actually have a social life whereas during the semester (when there were actually people around) I didn't do jack? I must confess that I am slightly confused.

Yeah...about those updates

2006-06-04T23:18:00.000-05:00

So the frequent updates that I say I'm gonna do everything I update this still aren't happening. Oh well. It's not like anyone ever reads this thing anyways. :-P

Anyways, here's a basic overview of what's going on and been happening in my life. It's gonna be quite short and all because there is no way that I could tell everything and get done and, well, I'm just lazy. First off, school's out. It's been out for a couple of weeks already. However, this does not mean that I'm back in Goshen. I'm staying on at the computer help desk over the summer here on campus. It's quite a nice deal, actually. They're paying for me to stay on campus and as of now I have an entire suite style room to myself. The ridiculous part is that they have about 6 people working for what could easily be a 3 person job. *Sigh* free money I guess, but it's really kind of sad that I just sit around for 8 hours a day and every once in a while actually get some work to do.

Lots of other stuff going on, but right now I'm really not feeling like writing. I'm doing this to satisfy that small part of me that says that I should at least write something every once in a while. lol. Hey, if anyone out there knows a grad school with a good Chemistry masters/PhD program, could you please let me know? I really need to start hunting for one.

PS. If I don't start updating this semiregurally, anyone who reads this has my expressed permission to beat me bloody the next time you see me.

I miss Spring Arbo

2006-03-27T08:05:00.000-06:00

Well, it's getting close to the end of my junior year and my first year at the Unversity of Indianapolis and I realize that I still miss Spring Arbor. Not that Uindy isn't a good school. There are some good people here and it's nice to actually be close to a city. However, socially and spiritually, they can't even begin to compare. Along with missing the social life in general, I miss the specific people as well. I got to talk to Crystal online for a while last night and started to feel really nastalgic.

I also miss Ormston. Not even so much living in Ormston, but just knowing that there exists a place like Ormston. The dorm were punk rockers, geeks and nerds all came together in one crazy place. Playing assassin, Porchfest and just the general craziness of it. I don't think that there's any place like that here. There's just no campus life it seems. Technically, I think that there's more campus wide events that go on here. I just don't feel connected to them at all. Perhaps it's just me, but there doesn't seem to be much community here. I miss Spring Arbor with it's community and I miss Ormston with its insanity.

I also miss the spiritual life. I know that it's not the job of the school to make sure that my spiritual life is doing well, and I know that you can begin to become stagnant and fall away at Spring Arbor as well. However, it is much easier to get yourself up to go to church in the morning when 90% of the rest of the campus does as well. It's a lot easier to know what church to bother going to when there are 30 other kids from school that go to the same church. Here, I feel like I don't have any clue what church to go to and since I don't know what church I want to go to or where I would fit in, it's near impossible to get myself up on a Sunday morning in order to go to a church.

Perhaps most of all is that I miss the specific people: Crystal, Josh (even though he's not going there anymore), Janet, Rachel, my B2 brethen, my O4 ontorage, yes, I even miss Karen. I miss playing poker with Eric and Wooster. I miss playing Halo 2 with Kevin and Nate and all those guys (there is no way you just make that shot!). I miss ultimate frisbee and late night runs to Steak and Shake. I miss all the friends that I got to know and love at Spring Arbor, and I never want to stop missing them.

I feel a bit better now. I'm going to get back to school here at Indianapolis and have a good time. Hopefully, I will get to the point where I really do feel comfortable down here. We shall see. I'll post again in hopefully the not to distant future. God bless.

ACTS (Adoration Confession Thanksgiving Supplication)

2006-03-26T12:28:00.000-06:00

Adoration:

Psalm 8
O Lord, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory
abover the heavens.
From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.

You made him ruler over the works of your hands'
you put everything under his feet.
All flocks and herds,
and the beasts of the field,
the birds of the air,
and the fish of the sea,
all that swim the paths of the seas.

O Lord, our Lord,
how majestic jis your name in all the earth.

God, you are, simply put, awesome. The Psalms do perhaps the best job at capturing this. Father, may I come to the point in my life where praises and adoration pour from my lips like the Psalmest because you are all this and more. Father, I love you. You are infinitely merciful even when I mess up.

Confession:
Father, I come before you now in one of the easiest parts of the prayer. It can be difficult to think of things to describe your glory and to thank you for, but it seems that I never run out of things to ask forgiveness for. Father, you know all and are willing to forgive if only we ask for forgiveness. Well, today I come before you asking for forgiveness. I have sinned. Lust is as much a matter of the heart as it is any action and I have been lusting a lot. Father, please, take my heart and wash it clean of all the filth that I have been putting into it.

As much as committing a sinful action is a sin, so is not doing what we know to be right. Father, I have been neglecting to do what I need to do. I have withheld the truth. I have neglected my devotions and the direct conciquence has been falling farther from you. I have not been a shining light, perhaps a small red ember, but nothing noticable. Help me to shine for you!

There is so much more I could put here. So much more I need to work on and so much more I have done wrong. Father, you know my heart and I pray that you would look in there and find my issues, and that you would teer them out.

Thanksgiving:
Father, you have done so much for me. You have provided me with a good alternative to living on campus next year and paying money out all parts of the body. You have provided me with a car that runs well and that I really do like. You have provided me with friends, a warm bed, food, life itself. Most importantly though, you hvae provided me with Salvation. You have formed a relationship with me, saving me from the person I need to be saved from the most, myself.

God, my father, you have provided me with a purpose in life. Through your word and prompting you have given been a guide through the rocky times of life, a companion in the good times, a disiplinary figure when I have am going in a direction that will surely end me in a worse situation than when I started. Father, you are my all in all. You shine through me where I am not strong enough. Father, may I become weaker, so that you may become stronger and, in doing so, I may become truly strong.

Supplication (requests):
Father, I could spend all day asking for things, but you know what goes on in the word and for me to pray for something that my heart is not truly in is pointless.

I would like to start off for myself. Father, I know I have been making a lot of mistakes as of late. I pray that you would help me to move away from them so that I might better be in tune with you. I pray that I may be in tune with you so that you might shine through me and that the people I interact with will catch a glipse of you and be drawn in. I don't mean street evangelism, door to door, although that is good. I am surrounded by many people who do not follow you though. Help me to show those people your love and to be a becon for you.

Father, I pray specifically for my friends that don't know you. That their hearts may be opened and that I might be able to share you with them. God, bring about a curiosity in their hearts, and a willingness in mine, that they may come to you.

I pray for Jen. I don't know exactly what she's going through, but I know that there is something. God, please help her through whatever it is she may be going through. She is such a cool girl.

All other requests I will sumit off the internet to you in the form of a letter. lol

Thank you for your infinite love and mercy. May your will come to pass and may I be so in tune with you that all of my prayers line up with your will.

Howdy

2006-02-24T08:05:00.000-06:00

Howdy people type persons. I'm back yet again for more blogging fun. OK, enough of the chitting of the chat and onward to whatever this is that I bother to call my life. Actually, I guess all I'm doing is the chatting of the chit. Anyways, today I'm coming to you from my Intro to C++ class. Let me tell you how exciting this place is...ummm....wait....it really isn't exciting at all. That's why I'm writing this instead of paying attention. OK, so I'm paying attention a bit but it is far from getting my undivided attention. I'm really in a rambling mood today.

Right now, life seems to be pretty insane. I know for a fact that there has not been a night this week that I have gotten over 7 hours of sleep and I don't think that there have been any (perhaps 1 or 2) nights that I have gotten more that 6 hours of sleep. Caffeine has been keeping me going this whole time. It's sad, but true. Then I have 3 tests next week so I'm thinking that it's really not gonna be slowing down. Oh, not to mention that I'm working at 8:30 on Saturday. No sleep for me! Such is life. I will live, unless I die. It is official now that Physical Chemistry is a sufficient pain in the butt. Not that I don't need to do the homework, because I know I do, but the fact that it takes me hours on end is quite annoying to me. Gah!!!

I don't really know what else to talk about right now because I'm pretty much zombie-like. I'm out of here. Peace and God bless.

Caffeine Fiend

2006-02-15T09:10:00.000-06:00

First off, I'd like to preface this post with letting you all know that I'm a MORON. OK, now that that's out of the way, onto the post. Perhaps I'll even get to why I'm a moron (owwws and ahhhhs). I hope you all had a great SAD (Singles Awareness Day), and by you all I mean anyone who reads this blog, and by anyone who reads this blog I'm pretty much just referring to myself. I worked this SAD. After work I went and tried to do some of my caffeine extraction lab. This was a homebrew experiment where I was trying to extract caffeine from tea and coffee (get it, homeBREW. har har har). This is where I confirmed, once again, that I am indeed a moron.

Tea went fine. No problems extracting it from the aquesous layer into the organic layer and all that good stuff. Coffee, on the other hand, well, let's just say that I now know that there was good reason why I really couldn't find any experiments that extracted caffeine from coffee. I discovered (much to my dismay) that caffeine was not the only thing that I got in the organic layer when I tried to extract from coffee. It was really thick and looked nothing like what I got from the tea. Then it dawned on me: oils and fats. Coffee has lots of oils, I've known that for quite sometime from looking at the clear windows of bean dispensers and they're covered in oil. I'm such a moron. Oh well, at least the tea came along fine and at least the extraction process is quick and relatively painless.

OK, so maybe that wasn't the dumbest thing that I've ever done, but I definitely felt stupid after it was done. In other news, I got a care package yesterday from my church! I haven't gotten a care package since freaking freshman year! I have all sorts of junk foody snacks now to munch on when I know I shouldn't be munching. It's all gotta be a conseriacy to make me fat...ter.

Although the care package was good, it has not been the highlight package of my last couple of days. A new power cord for my laptop arrived on Monday. Hurray! My laptop is no longer an oversized paperweight (and there was much rejoicing...yay). Now I can do all sorts of things with a portable computer that a desktop just won't cut it for. Like, I can take my computer to work or, I can type a paper outside--if the weather was warm...and if knew how to get to this "outside" place.

OK, I need to be wrapping it up because I need to get a shower in before class. I'm sure you all wanted to know that so there it is. Before I head out though I have one last announcement. My brothers and mother are coming down to the Indy area this weekend, huzza! Alex has state vocal competition in 3 different groups and mom and Jonathan are coming down to watch him. I really hope that his performances are in the afternoon because I have to work in the morning *sigh*. After the performance, Jonathan's going to spend the night with me and it will be pretty cool to get to hang out with mi hermano. Then Sunday I'm going to meet my dad halfway in taking him home. It should be good fun.

Now I really am heading out. With any luck it won't be another 15 months before I bother updating this thing again. You all take care and God bless.

Singles Awareness Day is only 3 days away!

2006-02-11T14:59:00.000-06:00

Significant others are significantly overrated.

Muahahaha, I'm so freaking lazy

2006-02-08T19:44:00.000-06:00

First post in over a month. Oh yeah, I sure know how to keep this stuff updated! Anyways, I decided that instead of doing homework like I should, I would update this thing.

Here's a brief rundown on what's been happening in the time that I was gone. My laptop still isn't working but I ordered a cord for it yesterday so hopefully it won't be out of commission for to much longer. I'm also considering ordering a wireless router/wireless card combo for my laptop from newegg. 108 mbs speeds for both and with a $40 mail in rebate, only $45 total! Great deal, but I'm still hesitant because, well, I don't really have money at this moment. I started a job just a few days ago, but it pays monthly so I don't really wanna spend money that I don't have. But, man, that is a great deal and I really wanna purchase it.

Like I said, I just started a job yesterday. I'm working at the help desk. WooHoo! Meh, it's pretty easy work and, even though it is minimum wage, I'm getting 15 hours a week. I'm also working a couple of Saturdays this month at a extracurricular math thing for middle and high schooler's. That pays $50 a Saturday and it's just a few hours of work. Rock on!

Started a couple of video games. Played a couple of levels of Thief Deadly Shadows, finished up Final Fantasy X (I was really close to the end. Perhaps I'll bother to go try the super bosses sometime) and have now started Xenosaga. Xenosaga, interesting game. Different than a lot of other RPG's that I've played before not in the way the battle system is set up or in the controls or anything like that (although it is a bit different from the Final Fantasy series that I'm so accustomed to playing when it comes to RPGs). What makes Xenosaga so different from other RPGs that I've played is that it's SO focused on cut scenes. I know that RPGs are meant to have a story but this is almost taking it to far. I have logged over 4 hours of game time and out of those 4 hours have had control of a character for perhaps 3. That's an hour or more of cut scenes. Maybe it will have more game play time later on but right now I feel a little bogged down with 10 min of game play followed by 20 min of cut scene. It may seem like I am exaggerating, but I really an not. I sat through a 30 cut scene earlier! It was crazy! Anyways, enough ranting about Xenosaga. It seems like a good game so far but I would really love it if I could just have an opportunity to PLAY it. Oh well.

Well, I think that that's all I'm gonna put in here right now. I really do need to go get a lab proposal done. Blessings.

Sleep or study, neither nor

2005-12-11T21:44:00.000-06:00

I will start off by saying that right now I should really be either sleeping or studying. I have been cranky all day and I have finals tomorrow. However, I am currently doing neither of them. What I doing is giving a brief update before the semester ends and I'm gone. Gone until whenever and all that jazz.

First off, I would like to inform you people that I have just finished perhaps one of the sweatest anime series I have ever laid eyes on. The name of it is Samurai Champloo. It is "hip" if you will. It's a comedy/adventure/somewhat historical show. Break dancing turned sword fighting, a samurai with a beat-boxing follower, beautiful animation and a pretty good story help to make this animes one of the most fun and fresh that I have watched thus far. The characters may not have been as deeply developed as some of the other shows that I've watched but that really wasn't the point of this series. Final stance on the show, WATCH IT! I think that it's currently being aired on Adut Swim on chartoon network. While I enjoy watching shows from the begining and all the way through, it would still be worth it to catch the last half of the series or something.

OK, on to other things now. Let's see. I have finals starting tomorrow. Abstract and Spanish and then no other finals until Wensday. I don't really care all that much. Not to worried. Oh, getting away from finals now, I made a charater for a D&D campaign that I think I'm gonna be in next semester. It's gonna be tight. We're starting at really high levels and our characters are just gonna be insane. I'm pretty stoked. Hehehe, my charater throws daggers, has a ring of invisiblility, an x-ray vision ring and a cape that can become a pair of wings. So, I'm gonna be an invisible winged foe that you can't hide from...how sweet is that. Well, I guess that if you're not really into role playing at all, it probably doesn't sound all that appeal. However, for people such as me, it's pretty tight.

Other stuff, other stuff. Hmmm....what more. Well, I don't really know right now except that I'm pretty stoked about X-mas break coming up soon. Talk to you all later and all that jazz. God bless.

Time for me to be 21

2005-12-05T13:57:00.000-06:00

This is a few days late in coming, but I am now 21. For those of you who don't know, by birthday was the 3rd. I really didn't do all that much. No going out and getting trashed or whatever. Couple of reasons for that, one major one being that I am poor and have no money to spend on booze. Another reason would be that drinking really doesn't interest me all that much. Adam (my roomies) says that we're gonna go out drinking sometime before the end of the semester so we'll see how that goes. I did go out to eat with my mom, sister, and grandfather at Joe's Crab Shack so that was pretty fun and tasty. Then, I played some D&D that evening. Oh, so exciting. Well, not really, but it's all good :-P.

I participated in a euchre tournament Thursday night. Made it to the final game and then lost to my sister's team. How embarrassing. What's even worse is that the very final hand I knew approx where the red jacks were and I still lost it. I played clean the entire game but the last hand where I tried to give us a bit of an advantage and it failed miserably and backfired in my face. *sigh* That's what I get for trying to cheat I guess. The really sad this is that if I would have used my brain, I would have passed and it most likely would have gotten to my partner, who had a loner type hand in the other colour. So, I pretty much lost us the game by trying to cheat. Oh, I also lost us $75 each by trying to cheat. Moral of the story, cheating's bad but if you're gonna do it at least know what you're doing. (I didn't.)

Choir concert happened Friday. It went pretty well. Glad to be done with it though. Got the Christmas concert coming up soon though. I think that I scared the girl that rode in my car when I decided 3 meters from the Wendy's drive that I wanted to get a burger. There was a stench of burning rubber as we got out of the car to go inside. That was after the concert. Before the concert was interesting because I accidentally got off on the wrong exit and we found our way to the concert through different roads. We arrived a little late but somehow we weren't the last ones there.

Texas Hold 'em tournament taking place tonight. Hoping I can do fairly well. We shall see though.

OK, off the topic of pure happens now, I think I might try to be an RA in one of the underclassmen dorms next year. I really miss hall life but I don't wanna more back into one of those dorms just as some random student. Plus, RA's get free room and board and that would pretty much rock out.

And with that, I bid you all adieu. God bless and take care.

Turkey Time!

2005-11-21T19:34:00.000-06:00

I'm excited. It's just about time to go home for Thanksgiving. Heading out tomorrow after my oh so awesome Scientific Computing class. Yeah yeah. The oh not so awesome part about tomorrow of course is that I have an Analytical Chemistry test (Anal Chem for short). I think that this will probably be about the easiest test yet because I really don't think that we've covered all that much new material. Well, I sure hope that's the case because otherwise I'm pretty much screwed because I haven't put that much time into studying. I've looked at a lot of the assigned problems though and they don't seem all that bad.

Not really all that much going on other than that though. I will mention that I've picked up episodes 1-51 of Full Metal Alchemist and have found it to be very excellent. I have not finished all those episodes yet but def will before break is over. Wow, I've been watching way to much of this stuff :P.

Other stuff...ummm...I don't think there's anything to pressing going on at the moment so I think that's where I'm gonna end it. Ya'll come back now, ya hear? God bless.

Cowboy Bebop

2005-11-19T15:11:00.000-06:00

Finished Cowboy Bebop this afternoon. Excellent show. I think it is my favorite anime series thus far. Absolutely love the ending. Of course, that's probably because it has a lot more closure than the typical anime and being raised in the Western world we tend to feel closure is neccessary. Oh well. This comes highly recommended but also with the warning of being very mature at times. Lots of blood and even a bit of nudity in the series.

OK, I'm off to study for the Analytical test I have on Tuesday. Ya'll take care now and blessings.

More Ramblings of the Random Persuasion

2005-11-17T17:00:00.000-06:00

It has been confirmed once again that I am almost to stupid to live. It's really amazing how someone like me even remembers to breath. The other day I went to sit down in the chair by my desk and I tripped over my audio cord that was plugged into the fron audio port of my computer. As if I wasn't having enough trouble with sound. Now the front port is completely jacked and the back port is 97.618364% jacked. Yes, I calculated that, don't question me. Anyways...I get one channel from my back port and I have to turn it up almost all the way to hear it at all. If anyone's looking for a good birthday (Dec 3rd, it's coming right up) or Christmas present, I have two words for you: sound card. I seriously need to go out and get myself a new one. However, the problem with that becomes that in order to buy things, you need money.

Which brings me to another point. I really need to get off my lazy butt and go get myself a job. This whole thing with having no income is not a good thing at all and I really need some money. Christmas is coming up and if I don't find something soon I'm not gonna have any money for gifts. Looks like mom's getting a piece of paper covered in macorroni this year. Oh wait, I don't have money for macorroni. Looks like mom's getting a piece of paper covered in pencil shards this year. Oh wait, I use mechanical pencils. Well, looks like mom's getting a piece of paper this year...

Other things in life. Well, let's see. I have stopped wasting my time in chat rooms all day. That's right. Now, instead of wasting 5 hours of a day in chat rooms, I am now spending that time watching downloa...borrowed animes. I know, I know, most of you people that read my blog are gonna be like "what the crap, why's he watching animes?!?!?1111?". The truth of the matter is that a lot of animes are not designed for children. OK, so you do have some like Pokemon and Digimon and what-have-you-mon that are, but there are quite a few really good ones out there. I sorta finished a couple of series in a the last few days. Yeah, spending way to much time on them. Here's the rundown from what I've found so far.

RaXephon: Good, but VERY confusing. Watch this if by the end of the series you want to have absolutely no clue what's going on. Helps with the rewatchablility though, I don't see how anyone could get everything the first, second, or sixteenth time through this thing. I've watched it about 1.5x through now. Once a couple of weeks ago and then the other half last weekend when my brother Alex was down here and spent the night (more on that later). Oh, this series also has some of the best opening and closing themes that I have heard.

Last Excile: I think this is my favorite so far (out of a whole 3). Plot wasn't as hard to follow as RaXephon but was still the main focus of the series, as any good anime should have it. The one thing that really made me sad though was that they killed off my favorite character in the end and I really wish they wouldn't have *sigh*. (I won't tell you who it is in case you ever feel so inclined to watch it, which I do suggest :P). Started this Monday night, finished it Tuesday night.

Trigun: Fairly good series. This one was the youngest audience oriented out of all of them though and at times it really showed. I enjoyed the last 4 or 5 episodes but the rest of it was mostly just ok in my opinion. Started this Tuesday night, finished it Wensday night.

And I'm currently downloa...borrowing Cowboy BeBop. So far I've borrowed and watched the first 2 episodes and am enjoying it. Has a very sweet opening theme song; a nice little jazz diddy.

I think that's about all the anime for now. I don't know if I'll downloa...borrow anymore after this one but we shall wait and see. (Actually, I'm pretty sure I will. These crazes usually last me a couple of weeks.) I will say that it's very annoying to be watching these things with very crappy sound right now. *sigh* It's my own fault though. What's not my fault though is that my optical mouse suddenly stopped working and I have no clue why. I'm not talking about the whole problem that I mentioned a few posts ago where it wouldn't work correctly with Gentoo Linux. I'm saying that the other day it just desided to stop working at all. All of a sudden the pointer stopped moving when I moved the mouse. I have no clue what happened but I'm guessing something broke in the actual mouse so that it's no longer sending a signal. Luckily, my friend Rob had loaned me a mouse to try in Gentoo anyways so I'm not without a mouse. However, the unfortunate things are that 1) it's not wireless, 2) it's a ball mouse and not optical and 3) it's white and therefore doesn't go with the whole everything black, silver, and LED blue of my computer. Well, something's better than nothing. If you're reading this Rob, thank you.

I mentioned early on that my brother came down for the weekend. I should probably point out that it wasn't just my brother. Although, he did just get his licence...on his forth try. My mother came down as well. It was really cool to be able to spend sometime with them. We went out to eat and then went as saw a movie, Charle and the Chocolate Factory. For those of you who haven't seen it, I was actually quite surprised that Johny Dep (or however you spell it) did such a good job as Willy Wonka. However, I was disappointed with the Umpa-Lumpas. Such is life I guess. After going out to the movie, my brother and I went back to my room and he tried out the new game that he bought (Jak 3) and then we watched some anime, went to sleep and that was that. None-the-less, it was very fun just to be able to chill with my brother for a bit and I'm pretty excited about having time off of school next week for Thanksgiving.

More exciting than Thanksgiving though is going to be Christmas. I love Christmas and can't wait to get home and see all my high school buddies again. Hannah left me a message on my facebook wall today mentioning the Christmas get together that is sure to be a blast. I tell you, it's still a month away and already I can't wait. Although, the thing about Christmas is that I've gotta buy gifts and, as I said before, I'm kinda lacking on funds at the moment...Oh well, I'm sure it will all work itself out in the end.

Well, I've been typing for quite a while now and think that I'm gonna be done. Got places to go, people to see. Wait, no I don't. I still have no life, lol. Oh well, I'm going anyways. Adios mis amigos. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make his face to shine upon you.

Note to self

2005-11-14T22:20:00.000-06:00

Note to self. Downloading a 26 episode mini-series a day and a half before a test is a bad idea.

So, I pretty much went through the entire Last Exile anime in a little over 24 hours when I should have been studying that entire time for my Spanish exam. How I even manage to maintain any type of a grade with my study habits is way beyond me. My goodness, I really need to change and quickly.

Anyways, that's really all I have to say. I'm off to do my real studying now that I have finished with the series. Blessings.

Quickly, while the coffee brews!

2005-11-07T16:49:00.000-06:00

This is a quick update to let you all know that I am very stressed at the moment. My coffee is currently brewing and then I'm gonna be off for yet another evening dedicated entirely to studying. Last night it was studying Analytical Chemistry for a good 5 hours, tonight it's gonna be Spanish time.

I had a test in Analytical today that I studied for 6+ hours over the course of the weekend and I'd still be surprised if I didn't get a C on it. It really frustrates me. It's not so much that I didn't know the stuff as it is the fact that he doesn't give enough time to recall the things that are on the very, very forefront of your mind. I don't have any time to go over my test and I'm lucky if I have enough time to even finish the damn things. I didn't do well at all on the first two tests and if I don't' get a decent grade on this test then I'm gonna have to drop the class I think because I won't really have any chance of bringing up my grade and I can't afford to have something this big go on my GPA, especially when I won't even get credit for the class because I have such a low grade! That class is very frustrating to me.

unfortunately, that's not the only class that I'm not getting a decent grade in. I'm not really doing well in anything and if I don't bring my grades up then chances are that I'm gonna end up losing my academic scholarship, which I quite literally cannot afford to do. This is really not a good time for me right now and I don't know what in the world is going on but I know that I don't have time to think about it because I have to much to do.

Well, off to study Spanish and get homework done in there while neglecting all my other classes for the evening because I just have that much to do. Hope you all aren't quite as stressed as me. I could really use a bit of extra prayer right now if someone is looking for someone to add to their list. Anyways, God bless and I'm out.

New Vise

2005-10-31T09:55:00.000-06:00

I have found a new vise--as if I don't have enough of them already...--and it is a flash game called Crash. The instructions are all in Japanese so you sorta gotta learn the way works by trial and error, but it is awesome! My top score so far is 6879.45 m. Let me know if you get better :-P. Anyways, I'm outa here. Blessings.

Oh, might as well throw in the free ipods thing again for good measure. Just think, if people would sign up for this then I wouldn't keep bugging you all...lol. Anyways, have a great day and all that jazz.

I Want to be a Professional Burger Flipper!

2005-10-30T18:10:00.000-06:00

OK, so I really don't wanna be a professional burger flipper. However, I would love it if I just never had to do homework again, or anything else that I really don't wanna do. lol, somehow I don't think that that's ever gonna happen. Oh well, such is lfe I guess. Anyways, just thought that I'd drop a quick entry before I go off to study for my test tomorrow. I'm gonna put in a movie that I've already seen and laugh and learn all at the same time because I just can't stand to be to focussed right now...yeah.

I will admit that this entry was not just to let you know how bad of a student I am. It is also to let you know how horrible I am as a person by once again posting a link to free ipods because I really want to get one of these things. Anyways, have a great day and all that jazz. Blessings

Long needed update

2005-10-28T16:07:00.000-05:00

I really have no clue why I haven't updated my blog in so long. I haven't had all that much going on other than homework and what not and really that hasn't even been worse than normal. I guess I just have not had all that much to update with. Well, that's really not even the truth because there has been quite a bit that's gone on during this month. So, maybe that's the case. I've had so much stuff going on that somehow I didn't think that a blog update would do it justice or something. I do know what actually spurred me out of my complacency though. I got an e-mail today saying that someone had written a comment. I read it and found that it was actually some spam. I don't know why this made me want to update other than perhaps to complain about spam getting onto my blog. Anyways, enough of the rambling of the psycology of the possiblities of why I have not updated my blog in so long and onto the actual update.

There has been quite a bit that went on during the past few weeks. I think one the the earliest things is when Rob invited me to go to a bonfire type deal with him and his wife. I was one of the younger people there but it was still cool because there was smores and food and all sorts of good stuff. Plus the people were fun, and on top of all of that there were even a few guys that knew how to play the guitar and banjo and we had some good bluegrass music going down. It was pretty sweet. After the bonfire, Rob and I grabbed my computer from the dorm and took it to his house and proceeded to install Gentoo on it. He, being the profient person that he is, even bothered to custom build my kernel for me. Only bad thing about it is that for some reason my mouse doesn't seem to work right. I have never had problems with it before and the mouse that I was using at Rob's worked fine as well but nothing that I do seems to make my mouse work correctly. It's really quite frusterating and I'm thinking of just going out and buying a cheap mouse because I really want to be running Gentoo.

While we're on the topic of computers, I will also mention that last night I completely jacked up my Mandriva partition. I unistalled Open Office and then for some reason it wouldn't reinstall. So I decided to try to just reinstall the whole thing. For some reason my install disk was giving me errors and I decided just to install the new Mandriva 2006 from an FTP source since they don't have a full installation disks yet. Well, everything seemed to be going fine but for some reason the new Mandriva 2006 doesn't have built in support for my video card, even though 2005 did. I have the file that's supposed to build support bur for some reason my ethernet connection isn't being recognized so I don't have the internet and I can't seem to build the file from source either so I'm stuck with a Mandriva installation that I can't use X-windows in (because my video card's not recognized) and that isn't even connecting to the internet. *sigh* So at the moment I'm having to run windows--I hate Windows--becuase neither my Mandriva partition nor my Gentoo partition are working correctly.

What else has been happening other than more and more computer woes? Well, I applied for a job at Radio Shack. I wish that I could say that more happened other than me applying but the guy that interviewed me told me that if they were interested in employing me that they'd be in contact with me by Monday and it's Friday and I haven't heard from them yet so I'm kinda guess that I didn't get the job. Which really kinda sucks because I would have loved to work at Radio Shack. I've actually thought that it'd be cool to work there for quite some time *sigh* such is life I guess. I do need to get a job though because I really need some income.

Update on the whole chat room deal. I'm still going in there but it is not as addictively consuming as it was. I have actually met some pretty cool people in there and even one person that I was gonna get together with in real life to hang out with for a bit but so far all our attempts have been thwatted. First because I went to the wrong Starbucks, the next time because she got called into work the day that we were gonna get together, and the third becuase she got into a car accident the night before. Oh well, such is life I guess.

Give or take quite a bit, that has been my life that last few weeks. There was a lot more but I have decided that this is a good cutoff point and that I want to go and get some food. You all have a good one and hopefully it won't be another 3 weeks before I update again. God bless and peace out.

Priorities have been a bit out of wack...

2005-10-05T10:46:00.000-05:00

My priorities have been a bit of out wack the last few days. (I'll bet you never could have guessed that from the title.) I have sorta been neglecting homework and not even for anything as noble as friendship--I have no problem what-so-ever with putting friends above homeowork. However, that has not been the case. I have been neglecting my homework by watching TV and chatting online. While these two things are fun and can be OK in moderation, when I spend 6 hours logged into a chat room I think that it's a sign of a problem. So, starting today until at least Monday, I am not allwoing myself to log into a chat room and am planning on severely limiting how much time I allow myself to talk to people online. If any of you see that I'm not idle, feel free to drop me a line and try to help me keep to this commitment. Chances are that I will merely be responding to an IM that someone sent me, but I will thank you none the less.

OK, so other than spending way to much time chatting, I am skipping Analyitical Chemistry today. This is a direct result of me not getting my homework done for Spanish because I spent the entire afternoon chatting yesterday. Yeah, it's really out of hand. Not a good reason to not get my homework done at all. So I guess this paragraph really wasn't something other than me chatting...oh well, such is life. Besides, this is my blog and I can do as I please :-D. Yah don't like it, make your own.

Well, I'm off to get my homework done now. All you who actually find my life semi-interesting, I'll never know what makes it so, but thanks for taking an interest. Blessings.

Poetry and an update

2005-10-02T20:14:00.000-05:00

Here's a bit of poetry to start us off, I call it Ode to Caffeine:
Caffeine is great
Caffeine is good
though not everyone drinks it
I think everyone should

It helps you to think
it keeps you awake
unlike some other drugs
the mind it does not bake

I will admit
it can be an addiction
if you don't believe that
then your beliefs are pure fiction

Regardless of downfalls
let's give it a break
because caffeine is good
and caffeine is great.

See what happens when you're drinking coffee and a bit board (or trying to avoid doing homework)? Hehehehe. OK, so now I'm gonna try to give an update of what's happening.

I'm currently chatting, writing a blog update, watching a movie, and "doing homework" at the same time. Watching the Pelican Brief, which I bought at WalMart yesterday for $5. I fell victim to a marketing scheme where they put cheap stuff at the front ofthe store and expect you to say "hey, it's just $5". *sigh* Oh well, it is a good movie so I guess I don't feel to bad about it.

The concert choir (which I'm in) performed at a centenial celebration of a local church. It went OK, but it would have been nice if we had the songs memorized. Such is life. Next time I need to make sure I get a bit more sleep before a concert and also that I'm a bit more hyderated because my throat was kinda dry and I had a bit of flem...since I knew you all wanted to know that. I also need a bit more practice on one of the pieces. That one is all my fault though.

There might be some other stuff that would be interesting, but I'm gonna keep it at that for the moment because I've got other stuff to get done. Hopefully, I'll stop being so stinken lazy and start updating this more regurally so I don't have to try to fit everything in in one post. Until next time, may the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face to shine upon you and may He give you peace.

2005-09-26T19:31:00.000-05:00

OK, to everyone that's been waiting with bated breath for this (ha), here is a new journal entry. It's been an interesting time here at my new school. I think that I've almost reached the point of equilibrium here. In other words, I'm almost settled in in my new environment. I'm now getting to the point where I can almost get myself to do homework. Almost is the key word there. Yeah, I need to work on that some more, but it's getting better.

I think that the reason it's gotten better is that I have found some friends that I can hang out with. For those of you who don't understand how that helps me get things done, I'll explain it. When I don't have anyone to hang out with I often feel like I want human contact, but there's no one to give it to me. So I sit around my room and have no motivation to do anything. When I have people to hang around with, I'm able to satisfy my need for human contact and then move onto those things that I need to get done. Maybe that doesn't really make sense, but it's about the best that I can do.

I'm starting to go by the name of Simon with some people down here. It's really interesting because I have never really gone by that before. About half of the people I know down here are calling me Simon and the other half are calling me Peter. Hmmmm, maybe sometime I'll try to consolidate names. I doubt that'll work though because once you know someone by one name it's really hard to think of them as anything different. Oh, well. I'll live.

Other stuff's going on too but I thought that I'd just give a brief update and now I really gotta get back to my Spanish homework. Hopefully I will not go so long between updates the next time but I refuse to make promises. Blessings to you all.

Haven't really kept to my word...:-/

2005-09-04T02:38:00.000-05:00

OK, so for the 2 of you that still read this thing, I am sorry. I have not been keeping up with this thing in the least. I'm back in school and I have just not been making the time.

Now that my apologies over and all of the people who read this have forgiven me (if you haven't, suck it up, princesses) I will continue on attempting to inform you on what the crap has been happening in my life as of late. OK,hang onto your whatever you have because here we go!

I've been having classes and they seem to be going pretty well. I have Spanish where I'm remembering more than I really thought I would. That's no reason for me to slack though because soon we will be moving past just the review crap that we've been doing this first week. Test on Thursday and all :-(. If that was my only class, I would be very sad. As it turns out though, I am very, very sad because that is most definitely not my only class. I've still got quite a bit more to deal with. I also have Scientific Computing (which should be kinda fun) and instrumental Analysis. I also have analytical Chemistry and, to top it all off, choir. I think that this may be one of the first choirs where I feel that I'm going to have to work out of class to really get the stuff. Maybe it's just because I wasn't in choir last year, but the music seemed really hard. (I think that a lot of it is just that the music IS really hard.)

Where do things like classes get you in the grand scheme of things, though. It's all about the relationships. Without those, my life would be Vera shallow. So here's what's been happening with those darn complex interactions with other Homo Sapiens (yes, I'm talking to you, homo). I'm still really getting along with my roommate, which is really good. Not so much his alarm clock though. He tends to not wake up to it. Quite honestly, I have no problem what so ever with waking up 20 times in the morning to an alarm. It's just that I expect to be able to get back to sleep within the min. I don't expect to be up for 5 min waiting for my roommate to hit his snooze...*sigh*. Such is life I guess.

Last night was the coolest night that I've had in a long time. I actually went out and hung out with people away from my dorm room! A girl in my of my classes needed me to look over some of her HW to get a second opinion and brought one of her guy friends with her (who is a Linux person!) and after I looked over the homework we all decided that it was time to go out to eat and so we drove to downtown Indy and spent 1/2 an hour finding a parking space and just having a good time. Mary says that she's determined to be the first person here on campus that I feel comfortable actually calling my "friend" :-P. Nice girl.

Speaking of social events, my mom is coming down next week for some nursing stuff and after she's done, she and my sister and I are all going out to eat. Not only that, after that event I get to make my way down a bit farther south to go to choir retreat! It should be a fun weekend and I'm looking forward to this week coming and going so I can have more fun. Not that I won't have fun during the week as well, but I have to be in bed by a reasonable time on week days :-D.

Well, there's a ton more that I could probably talk about but I'm really getting kinda tired of trying to think what is note worthy and all so I think I'm going to wrap it up. One last thing for those that read this. I have been having a really hard time working in quite time and I really need to. Please pray for me, that I can get my priorities straight and put that into my schedule like it should be. Thanks. Goodnight and God bless.

School

2005-08-27T10:53:00.000-05:00

After a long summer of work and stress and all sorts of fun stuff mixed with not so fun stuff, I am finally back at school. Well, perhaps "back" isn't the best word, since I am at a new school (University of Indianapolis) from last year (Spring Arbor University) but it's close enough for me.

My room here at U Indy is amazing. I'm in a suite set up and the common area is about as big as any previous room I've ever had. I swear, I feel more like I'm living in a hotel than a dorm! Each room has it's own private restroom and all sorts of good stuff. The only thing that we don't have that I'm really missing is carpeting on the floor. My suite mates brought in some carpet for the common area and their room, but my roommate's and my floor is still bare. I think that I'm going to end up getting a rug in the room, but it's still going to be 79% tile. Oh, well. I guess I'll live. As for my roommate, I really couldn't ask for a much better guy to be thrown in with at random. The only thing I have against him is his like for country music *sigh*. I'll learn to live though. He's a great guy.

Well, I do believe that's a decent start off for the semester. Expect more frequent updates (if anyone actually still reads this) now that I have a connection with which I don't have to wait 20 min to actually get to the page. God bless.

2005-08-15T20:42:00.000-05:00

OK, before I get into an update of my life I am going to try my shameless plug once again. If anyone is interested in getting a free iPod (and helping me get one in the process), click here. I have had a couple of people sign up but 0 complete the any offers. There are multiple free offers here. Sign up for a credit card and cut it up when it comes in the mail or something.

OK, now that I'm done demeaning myself (*sigh* I'm so pathetic), I'll give you a bit of an update on my life. I just got back from camp a few days ago and I wish with 92.59074% of my heart that it would not have ended merely after one week. One nice thing about not having my week of camp until the end of the summer is that I really don't have all that much time to realize how much I missed it. I got to see lots of friends, relax and just have fun in general. Oh, I also actually got to be OUTSIDE! I had almost forgotten about that place after working in the kitchen all summer. Got a tan and all that good stuff from that one thing in the sky. (If I remember right, it's called the sun or something to that effect.) Got the new Harry Potter read and all that good stuff as well.

I'd love to inform you more of what's going on in my life at the moment but I'm really lazy so I'll give you a quick rundown of my immediate future and call it a day. Tomorrow (Tuesday) is my last day of work and I leave for school the following Wensday. I'm not really sure what all I'm going to be doing during the wait time, but sleeping in is definitly on the list. OK, that's going to be all for now. God bless!

Of Dreams and Dedicated Servers

2005-07-27T19:32:00.000-05:00

I have a lot to update on the last couple of days so it's time for me to get started.

Saturday night was a LAN party and it turned out quite well. There was a decent turnout, setup went pretty quickly, and there was a good selection of games--although we ended up playing SOF2 most of the time. We did play a bit of joint-ops though and that was fun. It was also really nice to have access to some high-speed internet for a change. (Thank you, David.) I managed to get a trial version of Windows XP Professional 64-bit edition downloaded and have installed it and I'm actually pleasantly surprised at how compatable it's been. My video card didn't give me any problems and it seems to be running 32-bit applications just peachy like. There isn't a driver for my Capture Card though and the modem doesn't seem to be recognized but I really would have been incredibly amazed if those had worked.

That was Saturday night until about 5 AM Sunday morning. Needless to say I didn't get up for church Sunday. I know, shame on me. Although I was woken up multiple times by people yelling down into the basement and me having to explain before I drifted back off to sleep. Sunday afternoon I took my brother up to camp and had a pretty good time, for the most part. I talked to a lot of people that I really haven't gotten to see all summer and was pleasantly surpised when I found that a group of SAU students was there to do counsoling/worship leading. What kinda put a damper on it was someone I saw there that I really wasn't prepared to see. It just so happened that Karen was there. I didn't talk to her but that makes me feel like a complete jackass and makes me realize that I really am much more bitter about things than I would really like to be.

That was then followed by Monday. Which happened to be my day off and a COMPLETE waste of a day. I was going to go up to Calvin to try to get things in order and find out if I wanted to go there or not. Well, I arrived an hour and a half late because of some things that made me quite upset so that I was swearing the first 20 minuites of my trip up there, even though I was going between 85-90 mph on the freeway the entire way. When I got there I was informed that the one person I really, really wanted to see was home sick that day and that they were unable to find a replacement to sit down with me. The major thing that I need to decide if I'm going to Calvin or not is that I need to know if I'm going to be able to make it out of there in 2 years and the person that could sit down with me and let me know was not in that day and so I spent four hours on the road for jack squat! Oh, I was very upset. I still haven't been able to get a hold of her so I still have no clue what's going on.

To top that off, Monday night was my night of dreams that I wish would come real by probably won't. Ever had those? Yah know, the dreams that make you realize how much the waking world sucks? Well, that was Monday for me. The lesser of the two was that I dreamed that I actually got a tan this summer instead of spending it all indoors and being whiter than I've been for quite sometime. The greater of the two was that I dreamed that Karen and I got over ignoring and avoiding each other and were able to be friends and talk to each other again. You have no clue how much I really wish that would happen, but unless Karen takes the initiative or unless I'm kicked hard in the...well, unless I can get over myself I really don't see that happening anytime soon. Wow, I feel like suck a jerk. No, that's really to light of a word for it but it will suffice because this is public. Anyways, I have once again been reminding myself multiple times a day just how much I hate romantic love and if it were a living being I would seriously consider doing it more than a little bodily harm.

OK, I think that brings everything pretty much up to date on all the really important things that have been happening as of late in my personal life. Well, I think I'm going to run. I'm reading through the Harry Potter series again so I can be completely up to date when I read the new one...and to give someone time to finish the new one so that I can borrow it from them to read. I'm so cheap. Blessings.

Coming together yet falling apart

2005-07-18T10:49:00.000-05:00

So, I'm not sure where I'm going to school anymore and that's a problem. I started out being almost sure that I was going to go to Calvin, but then the University of Indianapolis popped up and I quickly got stuff around to go there and was almost certain I was going there (I even have a class schedule and everything) when Calvin comes and offers me another $1,500. I had almost forgotten about them.

Now that I'm thinking, though, I find that Calvin probably would be a better choice. The main reasons I was thinking U of I was that 1) The had a Physical Chemistry concentration and 2) They are in state so possibly getting more money. Well, actually going down there I realized that they're concentration was little more than a glorified chemistry major with a physics minor and that the actual chemistry program was not as good as I had suspected. Also, I am getting no discount on going in-state so that kinda shoots that down as well.

Really, the only things that U of I has going for it right now is that my sister will be down there (making holidays and what not quite easy) and the fact that I already have everything in order. In every other respect I am seeing Calvin as being the better choice. They may be a grand or 2 more but, they have a better chemistry department, they are closer to home and they are closer to SAU so if I desire I may visit my only friends relatively easily.

If everyone could keep me in there prayers that I can make a decision swiftly and accurately and just get this thing taken care of that would be very much appreciated. Thank you all so much and God bless.

Computer: check, life: still blank

2005-07-08T18:28:00.000-05:00

Here's the deal, I have my computer finally put together but I still have pretty much no life. Oh, I take that back, I had to send back my screen because it was displaying fuzzy text in certian portions of the screen. I still have no life though.

OK, I take that back as well. I'm going to a wedding reception tomorrow so I guess that might count as a bit of a life. I really need to prepare for Bible Study coming up Tuesday. I'm supposed to be leading and while I have read Romans 2 before, I haven't really read it through like I know that I need to recently and...yeah. I guess that's the way it goes. I WILL prepare though, I have to.

Well, that's pretty much my life as of this moment. Really not a whole lot going on but I thought I'd give a quick update. Later and God bless.

Life's a bit more than computers, but not much

2005-06-29T20:05:00.000-05:00

Run down of computer stuff briefly and then I may actually privelage the few people who read this with a bit more. First things first with my computer. I don't have an unbroken tower yet. I have now been sent 3 and the 4th is on it's way and thus far all have come busted. I have been told to keep 2 of them and I have a feeling I'm gonna be told the same for the 3rd so I'll have 3 extra 450 W PSUs lieing around. I'm thinking that I might try to hot glue the pegs that hold the face on back on and thereby fix the cases to be used at later dates but I'm not about to used a broken case for my computer when I paid for it and I know darn well that I can really get a good one...one of these times. Gosh, when I actually say it, it sounds really self-centered of me. I guess it is. The whole thing with building a computer is that I wanted a new toy type thing in the first place I think so it started out as a selfish ambition. I really hope that it doesn't stay completely selfish...anyways, moving on. I also got $10 off a purchase from NewEgg because of the hassle I've been recieving with this thing. I have now applied that to a TV tuner card for my computer which takes the final price of the card down to about $8 once I get in the mail-in-rebate. One final thing about my computer and then I'll move into other computers and then finally into something other than technology related stuff. I'm sending my monitor back because there are portions of it which appear fuzzy when displaying text in a command line setting so my computer will not be done for quite sometime even when the case does get here. I'm gonna see if I can borrow a monitor so I can actually get some stuff done.

OK, that's all about my computer. Now, a quick rundown of other computers I've had the privalege to work on. I fixed a girls computer that needed a new video card because the integrated graphics had gone bad. This thing was so old that I had to get it a PCI graphics card. It was crazy. Anyways, the only reason I was even able to do that was because I was given a couple of free old computers that needed to get out of a guys house who's computer I worked on a bit. Kinda nice, if you ask me. I also was able to salvage a 3.5 HD and 6.5 HD from the computers as well. I'm gonna get $40 for fixing the girls computer.

One of the other computers seemed to be working fine and I formatted the HD and installed Windows 98 but then I must have somehow inadverntently fried the MB because now it won't boot from anything. Such is life, I guess. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Praise Him in all.

That brings me to my next point which, finally, is not on the subject of computers. Nathan, David, Gabe, Aaron and I met together last night for our first bible study time. Last week was deciding what we would do and prep and this week was the real deal, baby. We're going over the book of Romans, good stuff (duh, it's the Bible). Unfortuanetly, I had to leave early to pick my brother up from football practice. Once again, such is life.

I've also been meeting semi-regurally with about the same group of guys for cards. Those are fun times as well. Play some rook, some euchre, and sometimes I even get them to play a bit of poker--though no one seems to want to play for ANY money, not even a dollar. I mean, come on! It's one dollar and it completely changes the dynamics of the game in such a way that people don't [as often] go out on crazy limbs and actually have to play with a bit more strategy because something's actually at stake.

Other than all that stuff that I just mentioned, there's really not much going on in life. Just work as usual :-D. Well, I think that that about does it for the evening. Hope you all are having good summers and that God is blessing you in many ways. Later!

Computers, computers, computers

2005-06-23T14:43:00.000-05:00

Update on my life, it continues.

Now to expound on that a bit. The biggest thing is that my computer case replacement STILL hasn't been shipped. I was told it would ship Monday, it didn't. I called Tuesday and they told me it would ship Wedensday or Thursday at the lastest. Well, it's Thursday and, according to NewEgg's website, it still hasn't been shipped. I am really getting quite frusterated at this point. I could see where they had to wait a bit for the Fedex claim thing to be processed and what not, but it's been over a week and a half since I contacted them (last Monday) and today makes 2 weeks exactly since I recieved my broken case and I am getting more than a little upset at the lack of speed here. They are getting yet another call today because I am tired of this. I should get some sorta coupon or something for making me wait this long. AHHHHHHH

I was so anxious yesterday to actually get something done with that thing that I took out the PSU from the busted case and hooked everything up. It looked awesome and I'd have a picture to show you but the digital camera did not appear to be around the house *sigh*. I backed up a girls HD from work who is having problems with her computer and then I formatted the HD that I was given for my computer. (Which is a shame because it already had Windows XP Professional installed on it but that was the stipulation with which I recieved the drive.)

I should be getting another computer to work on in a couple of days as well. Yet another person at work who is having issues. Apparently the video and audio are not working correctly. From what she's told me it's almost certianly software related so I doubt it will take that long to actually get fixed. Either the drives aren't properly installed of the programs she's using aren't properly configured. I'm not worring about it to much.

Well, that's all that I'm gonna update on you with for now. (Hopefully the next one won't take me so long to get out.) Take care and God bless.

House-sitting and computer woes

2005-06-11T21:41:00.000-05:00

I have decided that before I'm done with school I either need to A) Find good friends that I can room with after school, or B) Get married. I'm serious. I'm just about to go insane being isolated in this house! Hopefully, it will be over soon and I can go back home and be a little more grateful about my family...even though they're gonna get on my nerves about 10 min after I'm home. That's OK though, because at least I will have actual human contact!

And if isolation wasn't enough, I have to send my computer case back because the face was broken off when it arrived. I can not tell you just how disappointing that is to me. I get everything and am all ready to put it together just to realize that it's gonna take an extra week or so. *sigh* such is life I guess.

Other than being bored out of my skull and all, I guess lifes going OK. I've got a headache so it's not all good but...Well, I'm out of here. God bless.

New Computer!

2005-06-10T14:20:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted in a while and I apoligize to anyone who actually reads this anymore. I do have something very exciting (at least in my eyes) to post about right now though. I have purchased a new computer! I ordered the parts seperately and the final part came in today and I'm gonna go home in a little while to put it together. I'm so excited!

It's a AMD 64-bit 3000+ processor (with a Venice core), a GeForce 256 mb graphics card, a DVD burner, a 40 Gb HD (I got this for free so I'm really not complaining about the size), a 17 inch LCD, wireless mouse, wireless keyboard (got this for free as well), a Gb of RAM, a nice motherboard that should last me through multiple upgrades, and a very sweet looking case! All for about $850 (including S&H). I love NewEgg! Well, I'm off to get a few things done before I open up all my stuff :-D. Take care everyone and God bless.

Tired and rather bored.

2005-05-30T15:52:00.000-05:00

I'm at home. I got done with a full day of work (time and a half though so it's all good) and now I'm tired and really wanna just relax. What I really want is to have a group of friends over and watch the Emperor's New Groove, about my favorite Disney comede. I hate watching movies by myself but I think I might end up doing that *sigh*. Such is life. I have to wait for a TV to get free though before I can even consider undertaking my plan. So, to kill time I'm surfing the next and updating my family's protection software.

I guess I haven't really been depressed as of late as much as I have been frusterated. I'm still frusterated over my broken friendship. I have a motto that I'm saying a couple of times a day now that I say. I could say it in here, but I won't. If you're really that interested, ask me and I'll tell you. It's not a very nice phrase (although it is not directed at anyone in particular) and so I just don't think that this is a very appropriate place to put it.

OK, I think that I'm gonna head out and do other stuff. If people could remember me in their prays, that would be awesome. Thank you all who read this. God bless.

Coffee Shop!!!!

2005-05-28T16:34:00.000-05:00

Wow, It's my first time @ the Crossing since getting home. That's quite a feet considering how much I'm usually here when I'm home. It's been 2 weeks today since I got home and I must say that for the most part I'm surprised at how much time I have not had with work. 7 hours a day is actually quite a lot, I've found. Oh well, such is life. It's nice to actually have a decent internet connection but I'm sitting right under the AC and it's quite cold. I guess I could move, but those of you how know me know that I'm incredibly lazy and that would take to much work. Maybe I should have gotten a warm drink.

Onto life and not just the now (although the now is the major portion of life but there's only so much that can go on in the now). My sister graduates tomorrow! No longer will she be a high school student. I'll be going to college with her too! Now that should be interesting. Her open house was today but I couldn't go because I had to work. What else? Well, I just heard that there's gonna be a card game get together tonight that I can go to. Hurray!

Well, I think that's about all for now because I'm to tired to think about writing anything more. Take care and God bless.

First Wave of Summer Depression

2005-05-24T22:19:00.000-05:00

So today I got my first wave of summer depression today. Just not being surrounded by my peers gives me way to much time to think back on how none of my relationships last and being even more depressed on how I've ruined some (one in particular) and how that really sucks and yadda, yadda, yadda. Same sorta thing I get depressed on every summer.

However, I didn't really have that much time to be depressed at work today. I was so busy. I was working as fast as I knew how and I was still behind. Now that's frusterating. Then I got home and was asked to go to work yet again. My goodness, I'm so tired. After that, I went to my sister's statement of faith and am finally home and ready to go to bed. Just thought I'd drop a post in here before I head off.

OK, I'm off to bed now. God bless anyone who still bothers to read this thing. Take care.

Stuff

2005-05-23T00:04:00.000-05:00

So not a whole lot's been happening since I got home. I already said that I got a job as a cook, right? If I didn't before then I'm saying it now. It's a good job. I stick stuff in the oven and take it out pretty much. Oh, I also heat up soup and make noodles.

Hannah had a get together at her house Friday. It was quite fun but I had to leave earlier than I ever would have in the past due to the fact that I had work at 7 the next morning. We played some Frisbee and some Scatogries and ate some burgers and it was oh so fun. Got to see people who I probably won't be seeing for most of the summer since I'll be working and from what I hear a lot of people are going to be going to camps *sigh* the one year I don't.

Saturday I was able to leave work early to make it to my cousin Rustin's wedding. It was good but it also kinda sucked because I was reminded once again of failed romance. Romantic love sucks--at least for me. Such is life, I guess. Something else from the wedding was that I experienced once again what it's like to be younger. I'm the oldest in my family, my dad's the youngest in his so I'm one of the youngest cousins. It's kind of a weird feeling.

Well, I think that's just about all for now. I don't have work tomorrow so I decided to make a late night post and what not. For anyone that still reads this, Shalom.

First post since home

2005-05-18T11:55:00.000-05:00

So I'm hoe now. I've been home since Saturday. However, being the lazy person that I am, I haven't bothered to post anything until now.

Finals week was ok. Kind of a bitter sweet time since I knew that it was really the last time that I'd be seeing those people pretty much forever. Such is life though. People come ad people go. Watched the second season of Kenshin. That was cool. Much more continuity than the first season and some amazing fights.

Now I'm home and I have a job lined up and everything. Gonna be a cook @ a local resteraunt. What's cool about it is the fact that I'll be off by early afternoon so I'll have the rest of the day to do whatever.

Well, I think that's just about all for now. I'll try to post somewhat regurally. God bless.

Good Evening/Morning

2005-05-09T03:30:00.000-05:00

Today was my last Sunday ever here @ Spring Arbor as a student. I figured out today that my car gets about 34 miles to the gallon.

So that's really not the reason for this post though. This post is about this evening. I was in the libary with Josh and Jonathan and we had pretty much a mini-kitchen and coffee and fellowship and it was absolutely amazing. We were supposed to be writing papers and I did get a bit done but it was more the fellowship that was amazing than anything. I don't think I've had that much fun in quite a while. Then came about 2 AM when we were kicked out. I got back to my room at about 2:20 and realized that I wasn't tired in the least. So instead of trying to force myself to go to bed, I took a late night prayer walk to talk to God in a one on one type deal. I got a lot of praying done and God gave me a really cool view of relationships out of it as well and that's really the main reason I felt like posting tonight.

OK, here's the deal. Go through your life and pick out people that you're not sure you are on absolutely the best of term with. Now, imagine that they just died. Once you got over the initial grief and sorrow that said person just passed away, what would you feel? Would you feel that you did everything that you could to make that relationship good before they died or would you wish that you could have done something more? I'm not talking about changing things in the past, because that is impossible. What I'm talking about is if you would wish that you could have done something more to better that relationship before that person disappeared from your life forever. If you would have changed something, what's stopping you right now? Is your pride getting in the way? Are you afraid that it might be a little hard or difficult to talk to that person? Think about it, do those things really outweigh the fact that you really have absolutely no clue how much time you have with the people around you. It's not that there is not time like the present, it's that there's no time BUT the present.

I am by no means excempt from this. I fall just as short and probably shorting that a lot in putting these words into action. That does not make them any less true though. God, help us that we may wish to live with those around us how you wish to live with us.

Bubbles

2005-05-07T15:06:00.000-05:00

Don't you hate it when you get a post with a happy name like bubbles and then it turns out to be about not happy stuff? If you don't, then this post is so for you. First off, I would like to say that I do love bubbles. I love to watch them and think they are incredible. However, there is something melancholy about bubbles as well. Every bubble I have ever blown has popped after nothing but a few seconds. No matter how many I blow, no matter if they're big or if they're small, they always pop.

Sometimes I feel like all I'm doing in life is continually blowing bubbles. It seems that no matter what I do, no matter how big or how small, no matter if I put lots of time and energy into blowing the bubble or not, it pops after merely a short while. Everything in my life seems temporal, nothing permanent. This is good is many ways, but at the same time is extremely depressing--especially with relationships. What does it matter how much time I put into relationships or whether I have friends or not when I'm just going to leave them after a year or two. My list of childhood friends that I still know is nonexistent. I have a total of 1 friend who I still stay in contact with somewhat from my middle school days. I have a few people from high school, but we're in different worlds now that we're all at different colleges. Worst of all, I know the same thing's going to happen when I leave Spring Arbor as well. I'm going to go and all the relationships that I made here are going to wither and fade and I hate that so much.

Not only am I losing school friends, but I don't have the comfort and support of camp this summer. This is going to be my first summer away from Bair Lake in about the past decade. My friends from Bair Lake are the people who I can say that I have really known the longest and I'm not going to have that. *pop* That one took a while, but it finally happened. The longest lasting bubble thus far in my life has popped.

This is just a bubble popping fest in my life right now I guess. I have a really big bubble pop earlier this semester, I'm having my school bubble pop, I'm having my camp bubble pop. Anyone else care to do some popping for me? It's open season on my life.

OK, now after my sympathy rant I will recognize that God is good. The creator of all is on my side and he will not ever pop on me. He is my guide and my strength. Without God's power I would be very, very depressed.

I don't propose that we preserve
All the world inside a fragile ball of glass
'Cause I'm the first to throw the curve
Bringin' all that perfect ball down in a crash
Oh, it's that feelin' comin' back again
Turnin' earth around and pounding sirens in my head
Well there's only one cure that I know for sure
And it goes on and on
It goes on and on
Chorus:
And when it all is said and done
Until the end
Yes, You're the only one
And when the world is in reverse
You're the Saviour of my universe
I don't suppose I'm prone to trouble
Though I always do the very best I can
My universe a leaky bubble
Pinned by a friend
And then only did it expand
Oh, it's that feelin' comin' back again
Turnin' earth around
And pounding sirens in my head
Well there's only one cure
That I know for sure
And it goes on and on
It goes on and on
--All Star United, Savior of my Universe

Not quite

2005-05-05T01:18:00.000-05:00

So, about that euchre ban. Didn't happen. I played quite a bit of euchre today and am not done with my Power Point for tomorrow's poster session yet. That's ok because I'll just finish it tomorrow morning during work. I love my job at the help desk so much! I do nothing and they pay me.

My speech went well today. Luckily I got all the stuff done on time and what not (although I was a few minutes late showin up). It was a panel forum and I got to argue for the legalization of marijuana based on scientific grounds. In a nutshell my arguement was this: Marijuana is compairable in it's harm to alcohol or tobacco and neither of those are illegal. Therefore, marijuana should be legalized or we as a nation are enforcing a double standard. As I suspected, my partner and I got grilled by the class quite a bit more than the side that argued to keep marijuana illegal. It was quite a lot of fun stepping on some toes. What I believe personally may or may not be a different stance, but it was fun to see how reacted to the arguement I gave.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers [and sisters], whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

Euchre is way to addicting

2005-05-04T01:28:00.000-05:00

I have found that euchre online is by far my greatest time waster. It's like solitaire, but worse because it's with real people. Yet it is so easy to get to and most games are quick enough that you can convince yourself that there is enough time for just one more game (which turns into 2 or 3). In other words, I really did not get much school work done today. This is a bad thing and I am hereby banned from Yahoo euchre Friday so I can get stuff done.

To give you a very basic idea of how my day went, I listened to Son of Adam's "Your Friend Jessica" all the way through probably 2 or 3 times today. For those of you who are not familiar with that group, that is very unfortunate. I would tell you to check them out but they are no longer together. I'll let you borrow the CD before school's out of something. "Your Friend Jessica" has a lot of songs about broken relationships and I'm just kinda feeling the discintigration of a lot of relationships right now with the semester coming to a close. I listened to a lot of other stuff as well but that's what's really been stuck in my head the last couple of days.

Just imagine, in the blink of an eye is life will be over with. At that time, how I did on that test will not matter. Whether or not I did this or that will not matter. What will matter is the relationships that I formed here. The people that I was able to share my faith with, the people I was able to encourage, that is what will matter. I'm gonna be able to look back at all the things that I thought were so important and laugh at my absurdity. Not only that, relationships that may at this time seem somewhat awkward and slightly uncomfortable will not be. Our imperfection will be stripped away, leaving only the beings that God so loves and we will be able to love each other in that way as well, without discrimination. Now that is cool.

Philippians 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself.

Coming to a close

2005-05-03T09:54:00.000-05:00

The school years coming to a close and I am frustrated. It is not finals or school work that frustrates me. Instead, it is relationships. Right now I feel like I have an unresolved relationship and I really don't know what to do. The worst part though is that I'm going to be leaving. The last couple of days in my devotions times I have been really convicted of this but I really don't know what to do. So this is a request to all my Christian friends who bother to read this, please pray for me. This is something that I feel that I need to take care of before I leave and I need God's help here so if you could join with me in prayer in this matter it would be much appreciated. Thank you.

In other news, the end of the semester is coming up and I've got projects I need to do. I found out today in physics though that I need not take the final if I'm satisfied with my current grade. He really shouldn't have told me that because now I'm really tempted not to take it *sigh*. I'm such a terrible student.

In other other news, the end of the semester is coming up and I've got socializing to do. My floor is holding a Super Smash Brothers tournament and I'm in it. Yesterday was round one and my partner and I were paired up against 2 people who had never even played before. My partner didn't end up showing up but that was still quite alright. I then had someone who was pretty new with me just as a bit of help. To say it was a slaughter would be an understatement. I almost felt bad for having any help. I didn't even die once the entire time! That's ok because this next round I am sure to be put in my place by arguably the best team in the competing. It's over.

OK, I've talked long enough and now I've got to go get started on the "other news" stuff. Later.

Matthew 5:23-24
If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled with your brother; then come and offer your gift.

Life not quite as normal

2005-05-02T09:50:00.000-05:00

These last couple days I've been feeling quite strange and I'm not 100% sure why. It's almost like like a feeling of pointlessness, but not quite. It's not a depressed state. It's a meloncoliness of sorts. From all I've been able to gather, I think it is because I'm going to be having to make another group of friends and that is a very stressful thing to me. It seems like I can't go for more than a few years without completely switching up my friends, except for camp. Camp has always been the one thing is my life that has been consistant, but I'm not even doing that this summer (although I'm sure I'll be up there every now and again). Ahhhhhhhhhh!

This combined with just the general stress of the school year ending is putting me in a perpetual state of anxiety that I really wish would just stop, because if it doesn't, then I'm gonna end up making myself sick. I've got a whole lot more that I could say but I've got class in just a few minutes so I need to head out.

Ephesians 4:2-3
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

It's Time

2005-05-01T01:26:00.000-05:00

It's time to update my blog again and let people know what's happening in my life.

In all actuality, there's not a whole lot going on in my life right about now. That's why you're not really seeing all that many updeates from me. It's mostly everday stuff and nothing major. The school year's coming to an end. This seems really good in a lot of ways but at the same time is quite sad because I'm not gonna be @ the arbor any more and I'm gonna miss all the friends that I've developed here over the past 2 years.

The end of the year bring more than just finals, though. This coming week there is a Super Smash Brothers Melee tournament going on and I'm excited about that. There is alse just a lot of stuff that seems to be going on, all says that the end is near and the moment needs to be exploited.

Well, I'm tired so I don't think I'm gonna try very had to type any more. I'm off to bed. Take care everyone and God Bless.

Again with the blogging!

2005-04-26T23:57:00.000-05:00

So I was thinking to myself, "Steve"...that's what I call myself..."Steve, you haven't updated your blog in a few days. You really need to." And so here I am, updating my blog.

Not a whole lot's been going on. As the end of the year approaches I'm begining to stress about the projects I don't have done yet but other than that I'm doing ok. Still no job lined up for the summer yet. Still not 100% sure where I'm gonna be going to school next year. Still wondering what in the world's gonna happen after May 13th. Please pray that I can be sensitive to God's leadings in these next couple of weeks. Thanks.

On the side of things that I am sure of, I beat FF9 yesterday. I went through the entire 4th disk in a matter of hours and in the course of an afternoon. It was a good game. For those RPG fans out there, I would give it an 7.6 out of 10. Not the absolute best I've ever (Final Fantasy 7 was my first RPG and I believe will always be my love) but it was still very good. Didn't really do a whole lot of sidequests/games though so it might even deserve a bit higher than that.

I don't think I really have much more to say than that right about now and I'm getting tired so I'm heading out to go to bed. God bless.

2 Corinthians 7:10

2005-04-25T00:05:00.000-05:00

2 Corinthians 7:10
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regrets, but worldly sorry brings death.

I was doing my evening scripture reading the other night and came across this passage and just had to write it down. Put into clique form, this passage says to learn from your mistakes. This passage rings especially true to me at this point in my life because I have had sorry in my life fairly recently that has led to repentence. It's cool because I am able to actually see this passage at work in my life right now.

Other than that scripture, I have a little bit of other stuff that I think I'm gonna talk about tonight. Those of you who know me likely know that I am going to transfer schools next year. Until just a few days ago, I was 95% sure I was going to go to Calvin College. However, due to some reason that I'm not quite sure of, I haven't been feeling all that confident about it. Added to the fact that they didn't give me as much money as I had hoped and the fact that my sister now knows for sure where she's going to school, I have started to seriously consider the University of Indianapolis as my school of choice for next year. It would be quite nice because 1) they will give me a decent amount of money, 2) I'd actually know some people there, 3) it'd be instate, and 4) other reasons that I'm not sure of. We'll see what transpires, but I thought I'd give people the heads up.

OK, I think I'm done posting for the evening. Get to go back and finish some homework before I go to bed. I hate school. God bless.

P.S. If you're a newcomer to my blog and are curious what this phenomina could be that brought about this sorrow, just read back a little ways and it should become pretty obvious pretty quickly.

Back to Linux

2005-04-22T00:30:00.000-05:00

I'm finally back to Linux and it makes me happy. It is such a joy to have the Microsoft giant off my back and Linux Penguin in it's place. Even though it can't fly, it still weighs a lot less than a giant--and it never wants to eat me whole or crush me. Although I know Suse isn't the absolue best distribution, it works, and right now that's all I'm looking for in my Linux flavor.

In other news, I have a lot of school work but need to go to bed right about now. Thanks for playing Read Peter's Blog and I'll see you next time! God bless.

Slowing down

2005-04-18T20:41:00.000-05:00

Yes, I admit that my blog has been slowing down quite a bit as of late. This is because my life has been getting into a more or less set pattern. I'm not having a ton of emotional swings right now or anything so I just don't feel the need to post as often.

On that note, let me actually try to give a brief run down of what's been happening the past few days. In a few words, not much. I went through the entire first series of Kenshin between Thursday and Sunday and then watched Samurai X (prequel to Kenshin) today. That's been a lot of it. Sorta haven't been doing much homework like I should, but oh well. Also, I played some of my RPG with Brien, Cameron and Will the last couple of days. That was quite fun as well.

I think that's a lot of the significant insignificance that's been happening to me as of late. I'm signing off. God bless.

Shameless plug

2005-04-17T19:12:00.000-05:00

It's time for me yet again to put in my shameless plug for a free iPod. I would really love one of these things but without the help of others it's never gonna happen. I know most of you probably think this is some sort of scam but from absolutely everything I have read and seen on this I have seen nothing but people saying it's true. I even have a floor mate here at school whos brother was actually able to get one. OK, the shameless plug has now been concluded. Enjoy your day :-D.

Wow, a week without posting

2005-04-16T02:02:00.000-05:00

This is kinda new for me. I realize I haven't been posting a lot as of late but I went an entire week without a new post. Well, it's time for me to give you the rundown on some highlights of my week.

Perhaps the biggest thing that happened this week is that I went bowling with my floor Tuesday. It was $1 shoes, $1 games and I didn't have to pay for the shoes or the first game so it was absolutely amazing. I ended up bowling 3 games. Broke 100 on the second and I learned how to curve the ball on the 3rd. I enjoyed myself quite a lot.

Other than that, there hasn't been a whole lot going on other than school. My floor's been going on a video game fast so that's been interesting. Even with that I've still managed to put off my homework and even get behind. I still have no clue what I'm doing this summer so I'm kinda stressed about that and then that projects are coming up soon in school.

OK, I'm tired and so I'm gonna go to bed. I'll end with a question though. Isn't it sad that the times we need God the most are those times when we don't want Him? Maybe this feeling is only true for me, but I doubt it.

Haven't posted in a few days...

2005-04-09T23:25:00.000-05:00

Well, I know I haven't posted in a few days so here's my make up post just to fill people in on what's up and what all has been going down. (I meant to post the other night but for some reason blogger.com wouldn't let me. Do you people who use Xanga ever run into issues like that?)

I went to the Ohio sector Physics converntion Friday and Saturday. It was quite a lot of fun and even arguably more enjoyable than the Spring Break trip to the national American Chemical Society (ACS) convention because it was smaller and much more personal. Then I got back earlier this evening, played a lot of video games, and went to Steak and Shake with some friends. All in all, I would say that it's been a pretty good weekend thus far.

I think I'm gonna be checking out the Orthodox church tomorrow. I've been telling myself for a while that I want to go and check it out and I think I'm finally gonna get off my lazy butt and do it. Westwinds is a good church, but I think that I'm gonna try and see if I can get something a bit more out of church than what Westwinds really offers.

I don't have anything all that profound to say tonight so I think I'll call it quites right about here. May you accept God's blessings as you move througout your life. Peace be with you.

2005-04-06T19:14:00.000-05:00

Life confuses me. All you who have been reading my blog with any regularity and have known me for a time probably know that my life right now is not very regular. Today is no different. I really wish that I could just live someone elses life or put my life on autorun while I take a vacation or something while everything in my life works itself out. I am still extremely confused and still extremely frusterated.

I am really fed up with the idea of romantic love. I know I kinda vented about this before, but I'm going to again. For all you people who romantic love has worked for, good for you. I really am happy for you. However, for me, I am just fed up with the problems that occur when romantic love goes bad and would perfer never to even take the chance again. The possablilty of having the whole more than friends thing work just does not seem worth the risk to me of ruining a just fine as friends relationship. If this means that I never get married, so be it. Singleness is not a curse! Singleness is as much of a blessing as marraige. I do not need someone of the opposite sex in my life to make me complete, I need God. I believe this goes for every person as well. For those of you who are in love, great. However, you should not be in a dependency relationship where you need the other person to make you complete. If that is your reason for being in a relationship then I believe that you will ultimely be disappointed. The person that you think you love is not perfect. They will fail you at one time or another, have no doubt of that. They will do something to degrade you instead of lift you up. There will be times that you do not feel complete with them. If you are depending on them for this feeling, you will be crushed when it is not there. Do not go into a relationship looking for perfection. Do not go into a relationship looking to be completed. If you must go into a romantic relationship, go with the intent of bettering not only yourself as well as the other person--not with the intent of completing yourself.

As long as I'm ranting about love, I might as well through in something else about it. It's not quite on the same aspect but this is my blog and I make the rules and if you don't like them then stop reading this. I think that there is a reason that there is only one word in the English language for love. I think that we do not truly understand love. I love math; I love my mom; I love my girlfriend (hypethetically); I love God. These all use the same word and yet the meanings are so drastically different. Why is this? I believe it is because we really don't know the difference all that well. Eskimos have over 100 different words for snow. Why? It's what they know. The Greeks had at least 4 different words for love. Why? They understood that there is more than one kind of it. I think it really says something when we only have one word for something like love. When I am told that I am loved by someone (especially a girl), how am I supposed to take that? Does she mean that she loves me the way I love my good friends, does she mean that she is infatuiated with me (aka romantic love), or does she mean that she truly loves me? I doubt she would even know unless she really took time to think about it. This frusterates me. We have a culture that uses love so loosely and I doubt that half the time we even know what we mean. This is extremely upsetting to me.

OK, I'm going to leave that last rant inconclusive. I have proposed a problem, but no solution. Why? Because I have absolutely no clue what to do about it and I just would rather complain then try to change anything. Why? because I'm tired. I'm tired of working at things. I'm tired of trying to do this or that and have no fruit from it. I'm tired and I just want to quit. I need a vacation from my life because right now I really just don't care.

Well, I've ranted enough. Once again, if this confuses, offends, or otherwise frusterates anyone reading it remember that you are not being forced to read it. If you are more comfortable knowing the Peter that you see around campus or run into every now and then else where or if you don't know or want to know me at all, fine. This is me. I make no excuses for who I am or what I think because it is me. You don't like it, leave.

I know it probably doesn't sound all that sincere afte that last paragraph, but God bless you guys. Thank you to those who really do care about my life. It really does mean a lot to me to know that people care enough to suffer through the reading of the crap I put in here to know me more.

Weather

2005-04-05T14:28:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd just take a moment and comment on the amazing weather that God has sent to the Spring Arbor area. 70's is such a beautiful tempeture range (min 20's for you metric people). What is also fun is actually being active. Ultimate Frisbee and Tennis have been my activities as of late while I have been negelecting homework and it has really been quite fun. I really want school to be out so I don't have to worry about homework or other problems that come with school, but then I really don't because I'm gonna have to leave all my friends and I won't have anyone really to hang out with. It's quite the double edged sword.

While I'm not outside enjoying the weather, I'm inside on my computer or a game station (you didn't really think I would be doing homework, did you?). While I was off in that wonderful land we all know as the internet, I came across a picture that I feel is just to good not to share with you. This was taken off http://www.worth1000.com so you all now know where to go to get more awesome pictures like this :-D



If for some reason the picture doesn't pop up and you are still interested you can see it here cause I'm just to lazy to fix it and that's that.

Back from the dead

2005-04-04T08:17:00.000-05:00

After a few days of not posting at all I am now posting twice in less than 12 hours! I am back from the grave of non-existant posts, or something like that...

Anyways, this is really not meant to be a funny post. Sorry for misleading you. I'm posting to once again ask for your prayer. I am really tempted to become very jaded right now and become a person I know I should not be. Please, pray that God would open my heart to let Him in because right now I really feel like just saying to hell with everything. Yeah, that's really a good way to put it. I'm tempted right now to fall into a state where I don't care about anything/anyone other than myself and live only for my own temperal happiness or whatever I happen to feel at the time. Please pray. I need to want to be the man that God wants me to be and right now I don't.

1337

2005-04-03T22:57:00.000-05:00

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Lies

2005-04-01T09:01:00.000-06:00

Disclaimer: I am emotional right now. I don't know how much this emotion is effecting my judgement so my feelings may or may not be the same by the end of the day and probably won't be the same by the end of next week.

I figured out why I am so frusterated with Karen right now instead of merely being sad and somewhat depressed like when we first broke up. I will not go into details because this effects more than me and I do not have the other person's permission to give the details. The general idea of my frustration though is that I feel that 90% of the interations that Karen and I have had since our breakup has been lies and the last set of them really make me upset. I really can handle the truth, but when you lie to me I lose the trust and confidence that I once had in you and without that trust I don't see how I can have a friendship. I have lost my trust in Karen. That is why being her friend again is going to be so hard because I don't have the trust in her that I once did. To the best of my ability I tried to be honest with Karen even after our break up. I feel that I have not gotten that in return and that really upsets me. Karen and I may be able to be friends again, but I doubt that it will ever be close friends because I'm just not sure I trust her enough anymore to let her be that much a part of my life.

Love revisited

2005-03-31T22:21:00.000-06:00

Love? Love is way underrated.

Romantism? Romantism is so overrated I don't think I can even begin to express it. Love is a beautiful thing. However, beware of falling into the trap of equating romantism with love. Love is not always romantic. Love does not always mean the another person makes you happy all the time. True love is non-negotiable. True love does not stop just because the warm fuzzies stop.

Do you love someone? I hope so. I hope that you can love someone beyond romantic love--with all it's hyped up fluff. I hope you can love someone in such a way that you couldn't stop even if you wanted to. Romantic love comes and goes. Love lasts forever. Even after the romantics are dead and gone, LOVE remains.

To anyone thinking of dabling with love, remember, love is perhaps the most powerful force in the universe. You cannot control it. It is beyond you. Love is so powerful is called the creator of the cosmos to sacrifice his son for a group of people who did things that he absolutely detested. If love can do that to the creator of all things, are you really so arrogant as to think that you can control it? Are you really so foolish as to think that you are somehow exempt? Love is awesome in the truest sense of the word. It demands respect. It commands awe. Do not take it lightly or you are likely to be torn appart.

Aggressive

2005-03-31T07:23:00.000-06:00

Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the Thessalonians, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures ever day to see if what Paul said was true.
Acts 17:11

This is a passage of scripture that I have known about for quite some time but couldn't remember the reference to so when I came across it in my scripture readings last night I was ecstatic (which was balanced by a decent does of exhaustion). This verse points at as much as any other I know the importance of being in God's word so that we may test what we hear with what God says. The teachings of Paul, one of the most influential theologians of the early church, were put to the test by these Bereans and it was accredited to them as a noble thing to do. This is a call from mediocrity that is so often found in American Christians today. We go to church on Sunday, hear was the pastor has to say, maybe even act on what the pastor has to say, but never bother to test it against scriptures. This is a call away from this life style. Not a call to ignore the pastor, but a call to keep the pastor and other Christians around us accountable to the teachings of the scriptures.

God bless, everyone. I'm gonna go to place...

Statistics class poetry (It sucks, but hey, this is my blog and I'll post what I want!)

2005-03-30T16:54:00.000-06:00

Writing poetry
about who knows what
trying to ignore the pain
of my deep heart cut

Wish that
shomehow, some way
I could be having
a better day

Knowing that
someday, some how
I will be healed
but in the future, not now

Boy, rhyming poems
sure do suck
Maybe if I was better
I could write one for a buck

My next poem
will not rhyme
the limit to much
and take way to much time

Beautiful weather but...

2005-03-29T19:28:00.000-06:00

I will not try to deny it one bit. Today was beautiful weather and I quite enjoyed the day except the part around 6ish where, instead of playing poker as I had been looking forward to since last Wensday, I was called upon to bail out a fellow lifeguard and be their sub for the evening. It's poker night! Poker night means I play poker and not that I lifeguard! Arr, the frusteration is almost to much for me to bear because instead of being a jerk and saying that I couldn't guard when I really have no good excuse I said that I would, if she could find absolutely no one else. Guess what? She didn't find anyone else and I was stuck with guarding for 2 hours where I really could have been spending time with my floormates playing an exciting game of Texas Hold'em. I guess this stuff happens, but why does it have to be on poker night?

Again, though, the weather today was gorgeous and I even played some Ultimate Frisbee. My goodness, I'm out of shape. It was fun anyways though. Well, that's really about all I have to say right now. God bless and I sincerely hope that your poker nights (or the equivalent) are not so rudely interupted.

2005-03-28T21:41:00.000-06:00

I've come to the conclusion that I am going through a spiritual growth spurt right now. With all the crazy stuff that's going on in my life right now I am being forced to either grow in my faith or ditch it completely and try to go it alone. I already tried the second a couple of years ago and it didn't work so I'm taking the other approach this time. I'm starting to make sure I read at least a chapter or two of scriptures before I go to bed each night, plus I'm reading To Busy Not To Pray as well as The Ragamuffin Gospel. Although this time in my life is hard, it is also really good and I'm finding it quite rewarding because I have been broken to the point where I couldn't carry my own burden even if I wanted to so I have just given it to God.

On the less spiritual, more physical side of reality, my weekend at home was good for the most part. I bought some coffee, hung out with friends from high school, and just had a good time not doing anything that pertains to school. I really enjoyed hanging out with friends. On the not so good side of things, my family's German Shepard got hit by a car on Sat. She's still alive but she was bleeding pretty bad and I'm sure she's still sore. Even though I say that I hate dogs all the time I would still be extremely sad if one of our dogs died.

Well, it's time for me to wrap up this post. Thank you everyone who takes the time to bother to read about my life. I almost feel selfish taking your time to read this, but then I remember that you're doing it voluntarily and that I'm not forcing you. Then that really does make me feel like a special person, knowing that people are actually interested in how my life is going. I pray that God blesses you as much as He's blessing me right now (minus all the emotional turmoil and pain).

Where I need to be

2005-03-25T14:12:00.000-06:00

On my way home I had a good discussion between me, myself and God. It occurred to me that right now I'm seeking the will of God as best I know how. Since I believe that God is a good God and that therefore He does not hide His will from me, and since I am seeking His will, then I am within God's will for me at this time. If I am within God's will for me at this time, then I am at the best place possible for me right now. I am going through a time of great uncertianty in my life right now and I have realized that a lot of it is God telling me that I need to get go and trust in Him. I can't control everything in my life right now and I have absolutely no clue what tomorrow will bring, but I know that if I follow God then I will not be let down.

Heading home for Easter

2005-03-24T17:03:00.000-06:00

Work went almost an hour late and halfway through it I so depressed I was just about ready to walk out so I could go yell at something. (Actually, I did for a minute. Although I didn't yell. I just went into the bathroom and wisper yelled a couple of things to the guy in the mirror.) I think I'm gonna take up hardcore music right about now. I'm not sure anything else quite satisfies what I'm feeling inside.

Well, I'm off so I can pretend to get home at a decent time. God bless.

Thank you

2005-03-23T08:33:00.000-06:00

I would like to take this oppertunity to thank all the people that have been praying for me. Your support is so greatly appreciated. Your support for me in this time means more to me than I can really completely express in words. Thank you everyone for caring for me. I only hope that if you are going through a hard time sometime that I can return the favor and just show you the love that you have been showing me.

Feel a bit better

2005-03-22T23:51:00.000-06:00

I feel a bit better now. I've talked to Karen a little bit and it looks like it's not going to be excommunication. I feel much better knowing that Karen and I will likely be able to talk again and I can harbor the hope that perhaps we will be able to rebuild our friendship somewhat. I do not hold any hope anymore for a romantic relationship and while that hurts a bit I can accept that. It was just the idea that we would never be able to be friends again that really got to me.

And getting off Karen for a bit, I'm almost out of the hole in playing $1 poker here @ school. I came away tonight $3.50 richer than I went in. Of course you have to consider that I have probably lost about $10 and have only won about $8 or something like that total, leaving me in the hole still. Oh, well. I'm happy about it. It's fun to play, it's even more fun to win! I was really getting some amazing hands tonight though. Much better than usual.

Well, it's getting kinda late and I need to get to bed. Take care everyone.

If there was a way

2005-03-22T18:14:00.000-06:00

If there was a way I could go back and erase the past 3 monthes and just not date Karen, I would. Life should have a system restore button. It's not that I don't like the relationship that I had. It was awesome and I really don't think I would have changed a thing about it. It's just that I now feel that I've wasted the past 3 monthes ruining the best friend that happens to be a girl relationship that I've ever had. I want the friendship back that has been destroyed.

Why's it so hard to find a ground inbetween love and hate. Karen told me that I can't be in love with her anymore at all and now the first thing I'm tempted to do is hate her. How can I claim to have been in love with her if I can change so quickly. Actually, I think that's what it is. I can't not be in love with her so I have to quench the love with and equal or greater amount of hate if I'm to be able to survive. God, I hate myself right now! I hate life right now. Sure, there's a good part here or there but for the most part life downright sucks.

During possibily our last conversation ever Karen asked me if I had anything that I could look back on in my life and say that it made it all worth while. I'm really not sure that I can point to anything. Yes, I am pathetic. I know I am. I also know that there have been many happy times in my life and many times that count for something, but it seems that the pain and the suckiness of life outway the other stuff by so much. Or perhaps I'm just a retard who can't see past his current position. That could very well be the case as well, which brings be back to the entire thing of me hating myself--this time for being so near sighted.

Another thing that pisses me off is I really don't see where I messed up. Something went wron somewhere and I really don't see it in the relationship. Maybe we shouldn't have even started but then I would have felt like I passed up a great opertunity. By all means, I don't see what I could have or should have done differently. If this happened here and I don't see what to correct then how am I going to be able to stop the same thing from happening in a future relationship. Like hell I want to ruin another friendship in this way. Right now I don't want to ever date again, the risks of ruining the friendship is just to great if I don't even know what the heck I did wrong.

Now I'm just rambling so I'm going to shut up. In case Karen ever reads this (doubtful) I am sorry that I relationship got jacked from this. I hate it so much, I so want to be able to talk to you and just be your friend again. I hate this so much and I just wish that we could go back and have back what we had before all of this got started. I'm sorry. I am so so sorry that this happened.

Broken promise

2005-03-22T07:31:00.000-06:00

I think I figured out why I'm incredibly frusterated. It's not that my heart has now been ripped out, stomped on, thrown back in until a scab beings to form and then ripped out again, multilated some more and then thrown into the stinkiest dumpster around. No, it's not really that. Although that is quite frusterating and sad.

The reason I'm so upset is because of a broken promise. When Karen and I started our romantic relationship we made a promise that if we ever broke up that we would still remain friends. Obviously, we would not be the same type of friends but we had told each other that we would remain friends. I feel that Karen had now broken that promise and that is what makes me so upset. If she just would have said "no" to getting back together, that would have been fine. I would have been hurt, but I was even kind of expecting that she would. Instead, it was "no and I'm never going to talk to you again and I'm going to try to avoid you at all costs." OK, now that makes me mad. That is very blatenly breaking the promise that we made at the being and that makes me mad. I blaim myself for our broken dating relationship, no questions asked, but I blame Karen now for our broken friendship and I'd almost say that that is worse.

Well, I've got class now otherwise I'd rant some more. Human nature sucks.

For those of you who have a good image of me, don't read this because it will be shattered.

2005-03-21T21:38:00.000-06:00

Life's a bitch, and then you die.

For all of those who this offends I am sorry. I am mad at the world right now and that's one of the better things I can say. If you don't know why I'm mad at the world, you probably don't need to know. If you feel that you need to know though, IM me and I'll tell you why I feel like driving down the freeway @ 120 mph with hardcore music blaring as loud as it can go and my middle finger up to whoever's out there. I'm sorry to any who's view of me I shattered but right now I really just don't care.

PS. We'll see if I'm a pansy and delete this later because I'm to ashamed of showing people the extent of my imperfection. Yes, I am a Christian but there are times when I do not act like it and this is definitly one of them.

No rest

2005-03-18T16:04:00.000-06:00

California was definilty awesome but there is not rest for the jet-lag weary. I have my brother's musical I get to go to tonight, then I get to hang out with Ben tomorrow, then church Sunday followed by school and the return of school and homework. At least Easter is coming up and I only have a few days of classes before another break. I am just really tired right now.

Well, I could write to you all about exactly what went on in my day and what not, but I think that I've been doing that to much recently. Instead, I will try to focus on my thoughts and feelings. Actually, I'm gonna wait a few days to really do that I think. I have something coming up that is going to make yet another major swing in my emotional life I do believe and I think I want to wait until it happens to tell you about it. You all will just have to wait to find out what it is :-D. I'm heading out. God bless.

Back

2005-03-17T22:04:00.000-06:00

Back to cold weather and slow internet. I really need to move someplace warm as soon as I'm done with school. I can't handle this.

So, here's the rundown on the trip. It was fun. Yep, there's my summary. In a bit more detail, I was completely blown away by what was at the ACS (American Chemical Society) convention. I understood, at most, 1% of everything I looked at. If I ever go to one of those things again I need a lot more background. On the everything else part of the trip: the weather was great, the food was awesome (especially with the Chemistry department covering almost all the meals), whale watching was pretty cool, and the people I hung out with were just really great people as well. We got to tour the Phisor (or however you spell it) plant down there and I optimized the computer of the guy I was staying with. All in all it was a fun and productive trip.

Thanks to everyone that is reading this. Someone left a comment that apperently not only people I know read this and I would like to take this moment to recognize and thank them for taking an interst in my life. I'm getting tired now though so I'm gonna go. Goodnight and God bless everyone.

Before I head back

2005-03-17T07:50:00.000-06:00

Before I head back into the cold I figure I should make a post so that I can at least attempt to remember how nice it was to not have snow on the ground. I wore shorts and a T-shirt yesterday and I was comfortable! Need to hold onto that thought. Warm weather does exist SOMEWHERE away from Michigan this time of year.

Well, need to head out so we can make the flight. Post later and God bless.

I lied

2005-03-13T06:49:00.000-06:00

OK, so I lied. My last post wasn't my last post before I went on Spring Break, but this one will be because I'm leaving in just a few hours. Final status, I think I'm done, but it's definilty not as good as I would have liked. Oh well.

On the plus side, when I was at the Crossing yesterday working on the project they had just hired a new employed and she was learning the roaps so I got a free latte. It was pretty good as well, especially for her second ever drink. I also learned while I was there that apperently the medium from which you drink coffee (glass, ceramic, plastic, styrofoam) has an effect on the taste of the coffee. I couldn't really tell that much difference between glass and ceramic, but I felt like I did sense. It could have just been my imaginination acting up on me but the glass almost made the coffee seem a bit brighter/lighter/I_don't_know,_I'm_a_freak.

Well, gotta jet and get packed and make a few finishing touches on my project. I know most of you won't see this until I'm back anyways I'm going to pretend that you will and wish you a good break.

Long time no post

2005-03-12T09:46:00.000-06:00

So this is probably the longest time I've gone without posting yet. However, this will be my last post for close to a week now, I do believe. I'm going on Spring Break and I'm not sure how much internet I'll have to work with. That's ok though because I'm actually gonna be warm in beautiful San Diago. Yeah Spring Break!

Before I get all excited and what not though, I need to get my presentation all done so that I have something to present in San Diago before I leave tomorrow. Free trips aren't always so free. Oh well. OK, I'm gonna go work on that some more because I really gotta get it done. Hope everyone's life is going at at least 90% ok level and I look forward to posting after break to let you all know how it went.

Shameless plug

2005-03-09T22:22:00.000-06:00

OK, I know that this is a shameless plug but...I really want a Free iPod. I mean, come on. Who doesn't like free stuff? Seriously, check on the offer and let's all milk the system for what it's worth.

Now that I'm done degrading myself, I will tell you about my day. It went ok for the most part. That's pretty much it. I had a test today in Stats which I do believe that I did pretty well in, my speech was pushed back because the internet went down last night, I played video games for way longer than I intended and I STILL don't have my poster done (or even started) but the day was still pretty good. I just really need to get this poster done...boy in I a bad procrastinator. Well, there's my few sentences for the day. Hope you all enjoy reading about my life. I know I enjoy writing about it. God bless.

2nd post in less than 24 hours. This is starting to get to be a commonplace.

2005-03-09T00:16:00.000-06:00

Well, today was quite an interesting day with most of it on the road. Needless to say I got neither homework nor studying done but I am ok with that. I mentioned my dentist appointment in the last post. That went well, although I did have a bit of excitement on the way there. A semi was turning and apperently didn't have enough room so the guy in front of me backed up, without realizing I was there. We bumped bumpers pretty good but there was no real damage done. Considering I got the car free I was a bit more worried that perhaps he did some damage to his vehicle than what he did to mine :-P. It was all good though because neither one really got any damage.

Being on the road really gave me time to be depressed. It also gave me time to be mad at myself and the world. Then I got back to school and was given a reality check as I sat in and even participated a little bit on some theological issues. No longer was it all about me. I wish I could realize that more often. It really feels good right now to know that what is happening in my life is really not anything that I should truly be concerned about. What I need to concerned about is my relationship with God and how I interact with Him and let the other pieces of "reality" fall where they may. The physical world is only a means to an end and that end is knowing God as much as possible. Also, the pizza was good at the get together :-D.

Well, that's all I have for this evening/morning. I think I will end this blog with a challenge. I challenge you to live outside of yourself. I challenge you to try to focus anywhere but on yourself for a whole day. This does not mean purposefully doing things that you know you don't like or that you wouldn't usually do. Do that some other time. I am challenging you to not think of your problems, your stories, your joys, your pains, your anything for a day and focus on God and others. This is your mission, should you choose to accept.

This webpage will self-destruct in 5...4...3...2...1...*Unknown error in self-destruct protical.* Hmm...guess that didn't work. Oh well, you guys get to keep the page, this time...God bless and good luck!

Crazy hectic week

2005-03-08T10:36:00.000-06:00

So it's Tuesday and I get to spend 4-5 hours on the road driving to and from a dentist appointment. I then have a speech that is due tomorrow that I need to write up, practic, the whole shabang as well as a midterm. I then have yet another midterm this week as well as test corrections from a previous test due as well. This all compounded on top of the fact that I still haven't started making my poster for the Chemistry convention I'm going to over Spring Break (next week) that needs to be done no later than Friday. Top this all off with the fact that relationships are just way to complex and can really make life suck at times and I have not that great of the rest of the week ahead of me.

On the plus side, this weekend is my brother's birthday and then at the end of this weekend I get to go to California for Spring Break! Wow, life is has way to many parts and just needs to be broken down so that I can tackle on thing at a time. I'm no good at this all at once thing. I still request your prayers and thank you for all that you have already offered up for me. Now I've gotta go take off for my appointment. God bless.

Apology

2005-03-06T12:30:00.000-06:00

This is an apology. In my last post I implied that I never had fun with Karen. This is not true at all. What I meant to say is that when I go someplace with someone, I feel that it is my responsibility to make sure that they have a good time. When I was dating Karen, I always felt that it was my responsibility to make sure that she had a good time and therefore I sometimes held back on doing things that I would have otherwise done. It had nothing to do with dating Karen specifically. I just find it much easier to make a fool of myself when I am the only person who's reputation is on the line. I am sorry for misspeaking and making Karen sound like she never wanted to do anything fun. Karen was an awesome girlfriend and I can only hope to find someone just as awesome as my spouse someday.

Roller Skating!!!!

2005-03-06T00:34:00.000-06:00

Today was a pretty good day, starting with the fact that I did not get up until 11. I then had a relaxing afternoon of game playing and being taken out to eat and not having to pay :-D. Other than the lag during the begining of open hours (I really miss having a place to go during them *sigh*) the day seemed to just get better.

This evening was then the Muffit/Ormston skating party, 10-12. Took off at 9:30, took the wrong exit, got lost for a bit and took an extra 20 min getting there (didn't get there until quarter after) but finally made it and it was well worth it. I love skating. If exercise was as exciting as roller skating I might actually do it. After skating a bunch of us went to Denny's for another hour (got turned around getting there as well) and got to have more fun. Finally headed back (actually didn't get lost) just a few minutes ago (about 1:30 AM) and am now quite ready to relax.

Here comes another reason why I think it was good that I did break up with Karen, so if you're tired of hearing them you can stop reading. While I was dating Karen I felt a lot of times like I couldn't just go have fun. I felt like I had to try to bring her with me and she didn't always go for that--plus, I usually was just kinda embaressed to ask her if she wanted to go make a fool of her self with me. Tonight while I was skating, I could act like a goof and not worry one bit about it. It was quite nice.

Well, I'm heading out. I'll talk to all you beautiful people later.

General Update

2005-03-05T01:24:00.000-06:00

Nothing much new is happening in my life right now but I thought I'd give those few people who read this semi-reguraly something new. I am still saddened by my breakup with Karen but the more I think on it the more I come to realize that it really is not that much of a bad thing. There are a few reasons for this, and some of them I will keep to myself. One of the main reasons though is that my life was way unbalanced for a while there. Granted, I'm not about to start doing something drastic like homework or anything, but I started an Final Fantasy IX tonight and I know that I have time that I can play it. It's just kind nice to be single again. Now if I could only figure out how to get a friendship built between Karen and myself again I'd be all set! *sigh*

My parents came up tonight (actually, it's yesterday now :-P ) and we went out to dinner. More than anything I think my mom just wanted to make sure that I really was doing ok after the break up. It was good to see my parents though. Not a lot more really going on in my life but thought you people might be vaguely interested. I'm heading to bad. Goodnight ya'll

Weirder and Weirder

2005-03-02T22:08:00.000-06:00

So these days seem to be getting weirder and weirder. Today I almost felt normal. It's like I had my emotional train wreck Monday, had a day of talking on Tuesday, and now on Wensday I'm to the point where not only am I able to think about the relationship without wanting to shoot myself and where I was even able to sit down with Karen and have a talk without getting emotional! I almost feel bad for feeling so good. I know that it's probably not going to stay this consistant, but today was a really good day for me. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me the last couple of days. I really feel that God has answered your and my prayers. I don't think that there is any way that I could be experiencing this except through God's grace. Thank you again and God bless.

Poker

2005-03-01T20:11:00.000-06:00

Played poker today with some of my floor mates. For Once I didn't loose all my money. I even gained about a dollar!

Thank you to all the people that have been praying for me. It really is helping quite a lot. I no longer feel like throwing myself in front of a moving vehicle. (That is meant to be about 60% a joke.) It going to take quite a while before I am over this but I can at least function now. I almost have my appetite back! Now if only I could find my student ID card so I could get into the DC...

Screwy morning

2005-03-01T10:01:00.001-06:00

This morning, I woke up at 6 and couldn't get back to sleep. I finally got to sleep at about midnight last night so it wasn't that. I think that I'm just super stressed right now. I layed in bed for an hour and finally decided to get up and I took a walk. I took a walk at 7 in the morning in biting snow for 45 min. Yeah, I definitly am not all together right now.

Love

2005-03-01T10:01:00.000-06:00

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:8-first sentence of 14

The only person you can could on to give you this sort of love is Jesus Christ, everyone else will fail you and you will fail them. I have now learned this the hard way.

How?

2005-02-28T15:26:00.000-06:00

How does a relationship go from seemingly fine to crashing and burning in a matter of hours? How is it that 24 hours ago I was happy and fine and now I am in one of the absolute lowest moments of my life? How can a relationship go from forever to never again in less than a day? How can I move on?

I want to know. I need to know. I don't want to let it go but I must. I don't want to love anyone else but now I must not love her. How do I undo all that I have done? I don't know, I don't know.

Maybe if it wasn't all my fault, I could handle it. Maybe if it was something mutual, I could handle it. As it stands now, I feel like driving off into oblivion, never returning. Just leaving, forever. God, please help me. I don't know what to do.

Very, very bad day

2005-02-27T19:02:00.000-06:00

The weekend at Karen's was incredible. She has such a great family. It was only the coming home part that will make my life suck for quite some time.

We broke up. Coming close to 2 monthes now and we broke up. This is without a doubt one of the greatest hurts that I have ever felt. You people that date constanly, I have no clue how you can do it. I have no clue how you can expose yourself to such hurt over and over again and just get right back up and get back into the game. I don't see how you can do it. I don't want to do it.

Can someone answer me a question? Why do I have to be such a moron? Why can't I just change into the man that I know that I need to be? Why do I have to have crap in my life that screws every other aspect of my life over? Why does life have to be so complicated in the first place? If anyone can answer those questions for me, I'm quite impressed. You should go into psycology or philolosophy or theology or something.

This last part is to Karen, everyone else can ignore it:
I love you. I don't want you to ever think otherwise. No matter what happens throughout the rest of our lives, I will always love you. I gave you more of me than anyone else I have ever known, and you hurt me more than anyone else ever could have. I forgive you though...I love you.

Score

2005-02-24T07:48:00.000-06:00

Update on comment scores

Joona: 2
Rest of the universe: 0

Well, it's good to know that my life's somewhat interesting to someone :-D.

Sick

2005-02-23T22:22:00.000-06:00

And lo, it was not a good day for Peter. For today he had realized that he to could contract some weird sickness and feel like crap.

Yeah, I kinda wish I had classes tomorrow so I could skip them. As it stands, all I have is work and I do not plan on missing a chance to get paid. Speaking of payment, tomorrow's the monthly payday here at SAU. Finally, a bit of something for all the long, har...well, long at least, hours I've put in.

That's my talking for the day. Hope everyone's ya'll are feeling better than me right now!

Children of the light

2005-02-22T16:22:00.000-06:00

"You are all sons and daughters of the light and sons and daughters of the day. We do not belong to the night of the darkness. So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be alert and self-controlled. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night. But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet."
1 Thessalonians 5:5-8

This is a hard quite hard to live up to sometimes. Am I the only who sometimes feels more like a child of the dawn that a child of the day? There are times when the night just seems to over take my life. I know that I live in the day through Christ, but sometimes I just refuse to open my eyes.

Anyway, I just thought like giving a little bit of spiritual thought today. God bless.